8/7/17: Oh Brinnie, my beautiful girl,,,tonight I had to say goodbye to you,,I wanted to start your page but need to finish it tomorrow after your cremation service as I just can't see straight right now my eyes are so swollen,,,love you so much and miss you like crazy. XOX,,,Mommy|
8/8/17: My beautiful girl,,,today I took you for your cremation service and brought you home. Last night I had to make the decision to help you end your suffering and fight,,,it was so, so hard to do,,,but I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do. Several months ago you started to have trouble walking, and your front wrists were buckling. You were hanging your head in your water bowl and stopped eating. You started to lose weight rapidly and the vet suspected kidney failure. You would soak your chin so badly that you actually soaked off all the fur under your chin and down your chest. She also felt you were anemic and that something else was also going on due to your inability to walk, and you would have these 'trembling' episodes. Everyone said I should let you go, but when you would look me in the eyes, I just didn't feel you were ready and you seemed to want to fight. This was back in May. So we started sub-q fluids and vitamin B shots, and gave you potassium. I had to remove the stairs in your pen as I did not want you attempting to go out and fall down the stairs. I also took out your litter box and replaced it with a flat pan so in the event you tried to go by yourself, you wouldn't have to try to step over the ledge (up until you could move again, I would put you in the box by hand). So I would take you outside several times a day to sit in the sun, as you loved being outside and seemed so sad to just stay in. There was no change the first week, and we thought you just would not respond. But then after about 5 treatments, you started to eat and the trembling stopped! You were alert and so happy each time you saw me, and after about another week, you were able to navigate the stairs and go in and out by yourself and were using the litter pan on your own. I was so happy for you! You even gained some weight back. The only thing that stayed the same were your front wrists, but you figured out a way around that. You continued to eat, and would even eat your wet food with potassium in it, as I started to put it in your food as you SO hated getting the pill by mouth.
The next few weeks you were doing great, walking better and longer, and your fur grew back under your chin! I just couldn't believe the improvement and was so happy to see you happy. Then out of nowhere, you crashed again--no eating, hanging your head in your water bowl, staying in your teepee, and having trouble walking. We increased the frequency of fluids and potassium again, and you did respond a bit to that, being able to walk at times, but would only eat a very small amount and sometimes not at all, and you started to lose weight again--your spine was becoming prominent and your muscle mass was so low. But you were still having more good days than bad, and you still looked at me so proudly, like "see mommy, I can do this!", so I let you continue to fight.
A few more weeks you did fairly well. Then the other night I came home from work, and you were in your teepee, but when I came over, my heart sank---your head was flat out on the pad, and you didn't look up at me as usual. I touched your head and spoke to you, and you started to raise your head, but it shook from side to side, and then dropped. My heart raced as even in the beginning of all this, you were never this despondent or weak. As I thought you might be in pain, I didn't want to pull you out of your teepee, so I literally got my head and hand as far in as I could, to somewhat hold you. As I stroked your back, you were twitching, and I started to cry, as not even two weeks ago your farm friend Lucky started doing that and passed away shortly after. So I lifted your head to mine to look in your eyes, and that's when I knew---you told me---and my heart sank. You were done fighting and needed relief. A part of me so wanted to ask you to fight again, but the other part knew that my responsibility to you was to help you, not make you fight again so I could have another day with you. I also refused to have you suffer through a horrible passing, like poor Precious and Lucky, because the vet could not get here in time. The other times you told me you were okay with the fight, but not this time. So I called the vet to come out. While we waited, I layed with you, holding you as best I could, holding your paw, and prayed for you, trying so hard to stop crying as I did not want to scare you,,,,,so hard.
As your teepee had become your safe place, I did not want to have to pull you out of it, so when the vet arrived, I cut the top of the teepee open so you could stay right where you were and not be scared. Oh Brinnie, the only thing that made it somewhat bearable was that you didn't have to go through a painful death and that I didn't have to watch that and have no way to help you. I knew this was part of loving you, and I had to help you. But at that point, I just could not stop the tears, and I hope I didn't scare you, and that you knew this decision was made because I love you so much. I can only have faith you are free of pain and suffering, and are running with perfect legs and playing with your farm mates.
As most of the others, you started your life at the farm. You were feral and I couldn't touch you when you were small, but then one day you walked by, and I saw a gaping wound on the side of your face/neck. So I had to trap you to treat you. It was so nasty and I prayed it wasn't a rabid animal that did that to you, and just caught you and treated you several times a day---and you let me--like you knew I was only trying to help. Amazing, as up until that day I couldn't get a hand on you.
You healed nicely and we began our relationship. You became so tame and such a mush! Your beautifully bright eyes I will miss always. As I didn't know the name 'tortoise shell' that is given to your coloring, I called you a brindle, so when I had to name you, I called you Brinnie Brindle :)
When I moved here, you came along with everyone else. As you weren't directly related to any of the others, it was challenging decided who to put you with---you were NEVER aggressive, but if one of the others got in your face, you would sit on your butt and throw punches so fast, I nicknamed you Rock Em Sock Em, like the robot toys we had as kids :) You were lightning fast! So I had to put you with others that I knew wouldn't START a fight, let alone finish one, and you lived with Ellie, Squiggy, and Jettie. They were all afraid of you, especially Squiggy, but none of you ever had a fight. And you became one of the sweetest hearts I'd ever known--just to look at you would make you purr--and you LOVED your belly rubs. You were such a big girl too---so beautiful--and I already miss your purr,,,,
Oddly, after Ellie and Jettie passed away, you and Squiggy became pretty good friends. You never threw a punch again, and you guys would even touch noses! It was amazing and I was so happy for both of you. And she was the second tortie to come into my life a few years after you, so I had my two colorful girls sharing a suite :) I let her see you after you left, and she seemed to know and seemed sad and scared---so sad---and today she seems very confused and missing you. Please come to her and let her know it's okay.
Brinnie, we shared 18 years and for that I am grateful. I hope you always felt how much you were loved and I hope you always felt safe and happy. I miss you like crazy and hope the part of that poem--"it is a kindness you do for me"---is understood by both of us. Those decisions NEVER get easier, no matter what,,,but the alternatives are never a choice.
I love you my beautiful girl and always will, and can only hope we will see each other again. Please know you'll always be in my heart, and thank you for all the love and smiles you gave me. Love and Light baby girl,,,XOX,,,Mommy
You will be sad, I understand,
I know that now my needs you'll tend,
Do not grieve that it must be you
Would you hold my hand, if I saw you in Heaven.
Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Beyond the door, there's peace I'm sure
Would you know my name, if I saw you in Heaven
'Cause I know I don't belong here in Heaven,,,,,,
12/25/17: Merry Christmas baby girl,,,a candle has been lit for all of you to honor your lives and that your spirit lives on. I love and miss you so much,,,,Love and Light my big beautiful girl,,,,XOX
1/1/18: Hi Brin,,,today is New Year's Day and I came out here to write on Jettie's page, as this is the day he went to the bridge 2 years ago, but wanted to visit all of you, as each day you are all in my heart. And each day Squiggy gets more and more 'squishy' and I know it's because she feels so lonely without you. And I can understand her pain, because no matter how it happens, or how long goes by, the pain of your loss is still there with a hole in my heart that will never mend. But I am learning more and more to focus on all the love and happiness you gave me for so many years, instead of remembering the sad day of loss, as it is your life that deserves the attention and honor, not your passing. I hope you can feel the big hug and kiss I'm sending you, and know you'll always be in my heart. Love and miss you always sweet girl,,,Love and Light,,,XOX
5/27/18: Hi baby girl,,,today is one year since Precious left and I came out to write for her anniversay, and wanted to say hello to you and everyone else. I hope you are okay. Oh, how I miss your big, beautiful eyes and how I can't forget how hard you fought until the end to stay. You were so sweet and understanding through all of it. I will always have you in my heart sweetie,,,Love and Light baby girl,,,XOX
8/7/18: Hi baby girl,,,,,it's been a whole year since I had to let you go,,,I still see your bright eyes looking into mine when I go in the sunroom. You fought so hard and it still breaks my heart that for every step forward, your illness put you two steps back. I can only hope you are running again and that you know how much I love and miss you,,,,always,,,,Love and Light baby girl,,,,Mommy XOX
9/29/18: Hi guys,,,,I came out just to say hello to all of you, as I feel you so much in the sunroom lately, and Precious--I feel you in Thomas' eyes every time he looks at me. I miss you all SO much,,,,every one of you had something so unique,,, and I remember everything we shared together and how you made me feel so lucky to be able to care for you. Please be with me now, as I'm sure you know I am fighting for the rest of us here and our home, and I need all the love and strength you can send. Always know how much you all mean to me, and how much I love and miss you every single day. Tears flow, but through them I try to smile by remembering all the good years of love and laughs and fun. All of you will forever be in my heart. Love and Light babies,,,,XOX
12/25/18: Hi baby,,,,it's Christmas and I'm missing you and all the others who have passed. As you know, except for my brief visit with my sister every Christmas, since my mother passed all I've had are you guys to cheer me up and get me through. I hope you know I still love you so much and always, always will. Merry Christmas Brinnie,,,,Kisses, hugs,,,,Love and Light,,,XOXOXOX
1/26/19: Hi baby girl,,,,I'm sorry I didn't come out on New Years,,,I was so depressed and sad I just couldn't bear visiting everyone. I hope you heard me tell you Happy New Year and how much I love and miss you. Love and Light sweetie,,,,XOXOX
8/7/19: Hi sweetie face,,,,I can't believe it's been two years since you had to go,,,,it's like time doesn't exist sometimes. I still see your sweet, loving, trusting face and miss how you'd try to fit your whole big body on my lap,,, such a sweet, sweet girl. I will always be so proud of you and the fight you gave, but also understand that you had had enough and needed to go. I hope you are back to health and are happy and running and playing again. And I hope you hear me talk to you and feel the love I still have for you. You'll always, always be in my heart baby girl. Love and miss you baby,,,,Love and Light,,,mommy,,,XOXOXOXOXOXXX
8/7/20: My baby girl,,,today it has been 3 years since you left,,,and it just doesn't seem possible that each year I feel the same way, like time stands still sometimes, and others, that time feels like forever. And it's amazing how just when you think you're cried out of tears, another thousand come,,,even though it's sadness, it also proves that love in your heart never, ever ends, even when the physical body has left.
I am also sorry I have not been out here much, but our world down here is going through a pandemic and it has been such a nightmare, and I have been so sad and stressed that it's been too difficult to come out here,,I hope you and all the others can understand,,,
I will never, ever forget your sweet, sweet heart and your loving, bright eyes,,,and oh, that purr,,, it was so loud and deep and could comfort me in seconds. I hope you have been able to visit Squiggy and comfort her, as she is alone in her pen now. I do let Gremlin and China in with her from time to time, but although she likes the company a little bit, she really doesn't want them in her space. So I know she gets lonely, and since you guys actually made friends with each other toward the end, I know she'd be comforted to feel you there.
Brin, you were such a fighter through your illness and I love you for trying to stay, but I also know at the end you were suffering, and hope you were okay with my decision to let you go---if you wanted to keep fighting, I would have fought forever with you. But you let me know that day you'd had enough, and I had to respect that.
I hope you knew when you were here how much I love you, and pray that you can still feel it wherever you are. You are so loved and missed my baby girl, and you will always, always be in my heart and soul. Hugs, kisses, rubs I send to you. Love and Light my baby girl,,,,XOXOXOXOXOXOXXX