8/7/17: Oh Brinnie, my beautiful girl,,,tonight I had to say goodbye to you,,I wanted to start your page but need to finish it tomorrow after your cremation service as I just can't see straight right now my eyes are so swollen,,,love you so much and miss you like crazy. XOX,,,Mommy|
8/8/17: My beautiful girl,,,today I took you for your cremation service and brought you home. Last night I had to make the decision to help you end your suffering and fight,,,it was so, so hard to do,,,but I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do. Several months ago you started to have trouble walking, and your front wrists were buckling. You were hanging your head in your water bowl and stopped eating. You started to lose weight rapidly and the vet suspected kidney failure. You would soak your chin so badly that you actually soaked off all the fur under your chin and down your chest. She also felt you were anemic and that something else was also going on due to your inability to walk, and you would have these 'trembling' episodes. Everyone said I should let you go, but when you would look me in the eyes, I just didn't feel you were ready and you seemed to want to fight. This was back in May. So we started sub-q fluids and vitamin B shots, and gave you potassium. I had to remove the stairs in your pen as I did not want you attempting to go out and fall down the stairs. I also took out your litter box and replaced it with a flat pan so in the event you tried to go by yourself, you wouldn't have to try to step over the ledge (up until you could move again, I would put you in the box by hand). So I would take you outside several times a day to sit in the sun, as you loved being outside and seemed so sad to just stay in. There was no change the first week, and we thought you just would not respond. But then after about 5 treatments, you started to eat and the trembling stopped! You were alert and so happy each time you saw me, and after about another week, you were able to navigate the stairs and go in and out by yourself and were using the litter pan on your own. I was so happy for you! You even gained some weight back. The only thing that stayed the same were your front wrists, but you figured out a way around that. You continued to eat, and would even eat your wet food with potassium in it, as I started to put it in your food as you SO hated getting the pill by mouth.
The next few weeks you were doing great, walking better and longer, and your fur grew back under your chin! I just couldn't believe the improvement and was so happy to see you happy. Then out of nowhere, you crashed again--no eating, hanging your head in your water bowl, staying in your teepee, and having trouble walking. We increased the frequency of fluids and potassium again, and you did respond a bit to that, being able to walk at times, but would only eat a very small amount and sometimes not at all, and you started to lose weight again--your spine was becoming prominent and your muscle mass was so low. But you were still having more good days than bad, and you still looked at me so proudly, like "see mommy, I can do this!", so I let you continue to fight.
A few more weeks you did fairly well. Then the other night I came home from work, and you were in your teepee, but when I came over, my heart sank---your head was flat out on the pad, and you didn't look up at me as usual. I touched your head and spoke to you, and you started to raise your head, but it shook from side to side, and then dropped. My heart raced as even in the beginning of all this, you were never this despondent or weak. As I thought you might be in pain, I didn't want to pull you out of your teepee, so I literally got my head and hand as far in as I could, to somewhat hold you. As I stroked your back, you were twitching, and I started to cry, as not even two weeks ago your farm friend Lucky started doing that and passed away shortly after. So I lifted your head to mine to look in your eyes, and that's when I knew---you told me---and my heart sank. You were done fighting and needed relief. A part of me so wanted to ask you to fight again, but the other part knew that my responsibility to you was to help you, not make you fight again so I could have another day with you. I also refused to have you suffer through a horrible passing, like poor Precious and Lucky, because the vet could not get here in time. The other times you told me you were okay with the fight, but not this time. So I called the vet to come out. While we waited, I layed with you, holding you as best I could, holding your paw, and prayed for you, trying so hard to stop crying as I did not want to scare you,,,,,so hard.
As your teepee had become your safe place, I did not want to have to pull you out of it, so when the vet arrived, I cut the top of the teepee open so you could stay right where you were and not be scared. Oh Brinnie, the only thing that made it somewhat bearable was that you didn't have to go through a painful death and that I didn't have to watch that and have no way to help you. I knew this was part of loving you, and I had to help you. But at that point, I just could not stop the tears, and I hope I didn't scare you, and that you knew this decision was made because I love you so much. I can only have faith you are free of pain and suffering, and are running with perfect legs and playing with your farm mates.
As most of the others, you started your life at the farm. You were feral and I couldn't touch you when you were small, but then one day you walked by, and I saw a gaping wound on the side of your face/neck. So I had to trap you to treat you. It was so nasty and I prayed it wasn't a rabid animal that did that to you, and just caught you and treated you several times a day---and you let me--like you knew I was only trying to help. Amazing, as up until that day I couldn't get a hand on you.
You healed nicely and we began our relationship. You became so tame and such a mush! Your beautifully bright eyes I will miss always. As I didn't know the name 'tortoise shell' that is given to your coloring, I called you a brindle, so when I had to name you, I called you Brinnie Brindle :)
When I moved here, you came along with everyone else. As you weren't directly related to any of the others, it was challenging decided who to put you with---you were NEVER aggressive, but if one of the others got in your face, you would sit on your butt and throw punches so fast, I nicknamed you Rock Em Sock Em, like the robot toys we had as kids :) You were lightning fast! So I had to put you with others that I knew wouldn't START a fight, let alone finish one, and you lived with Ellie, Squiggy, and Jettie. They were all afraid of you, especially Squiggy, but none of you ever had a fight. And you became one of the sweetest hearts I'd ever known--just to look at you would make you purr--and you LOVED your belly rubs. You were such a big girl too---so beautiful--and I already miss your purr,,,,
Oddly, after Ellie and Jettie passed away, you and Squiggy became pretty good friends. You never threw a punch again, and you guys would even touch noses! It was amazing and I was so happy for both of you. And she was the second tortie to come into my life a few years after you, so I had my two colorful girls sharing a suite :) I let her see you after you left, and she seemed to know and seemed sad and scared---so sad---and today she seems very confused and missing you. Please come to her and let her know it's okay.
Brinnie, we shared 18 years and for that I am grateful. I hope you always felt how much you were loved and I hope you always felt safe and happy. I miss you like crazy and hope the part of that poem--"it is a kindness you do for me"---is understood by both of us. Those decisions NEVER get easier, no matter what,,,but the alternatives are never a choice.
I love you my beautiful girl and always will, and can only hope we will see each other again. Please know you'll always be in my heart, and thank you for all the love and smiles you gave me. Love and Light baby girl,,,XOX,,,Mommy
You will be sad, I understand,
I know that now my needs you'll tend,
Do not grieve that it must be you
Would you hold my hand, if I saw you in Heaven.
Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Beyond the door, there's peace I'm sure
Would you know my name, if I saw you in Heaven
'Cause I know I don't belong here in Heaven,,,,,,