Bonnie or Boogie as we used to call her came in to my life back in 2008. She became my best friend and my sweet baby girl. She was always with me, by my side everyday. |
She filled my life with so much unconditional love and joy.
She used to bark like crazy whenever the landscaper came to mow the lawn, she did not like that! She would bark at the fence when the neighbors mowed their lawn and then she would get frustrated and start eating the grass all angry, it was pretty funny! She loved food and treats, she wasn't really big on fetch or playing, she would putt out after a few minutes but when she did, it was super cute to watch.
She loved chicken jerky, she could smell it and find it anywhere. One time we put a piece of jerky on top of the table behind the couch to see what she would do and she was like Daredevil, ( she was blind at the time) it was hilarious...she was just laying there, then all of a sudden she started sniffing the air and walking along the couch, she started trying to lift herself up by climbing on whatever was there to get to that table, the remote, an iPhone, a pillow, even us-she was determined! We couldn't stop laughing it was one of the funniest things she had ever done and is still one of our fondest memories. She did get that jerky too by the way, she managed to pull herself up enough and started licking and biting at the air with her head cocked sideways on her tippy toes and was finally victorious. She was so proud when she got that jerky, it was well earned!
She liked chewing on rope toys, she had so many of them! I loved to spoil my babies at Christmas and even though they didn't need new toys, we always got them more than they could want, it was fun watching them open their presents and get overwhelmed by all the toys! Bonnie liked tissue paper, we had to watch her or she would eat it, but I wrapped all of her presents in colored tissue paper and she knew what to do with them! She took her time unlike Chloe, Chloe is a savage with presents, she rips in to them and shakes them until the toy comes out and then runs over to the next one. Bonnie would rip little pieces of the tissue paper and look so proud when she started making progress, then she would try to eat some of it! She was the best snuggle bear, she used to push herself up against me and curl up and go to sleep. It was such a comforting feeling. Sometimes I would be in the kitchen doing dishes and I would feel something on my foot and I look down and she's right there with her butt on my foot. She used to always put her butt on me, whether it was when we were watching TV on the couch or I was sitting at the table. I think it made her feel secure. We used to joke that she thought I was her baby because she always needed to know where I was. What I wouldn't give to have her curl up against me one last time.
She started to get cataracts in her eyes and eventually lost her sight. It was hard to see her going through that. We tried everything to stop it but she wasn't a good candidate for surgery and the risk was too big. She adjusted like a champ though. She learned to navigate the house and the yard all on memory, smell and touch. She was such a smarty. She had a time where she only wanted to be with me and needed to lean up against me I think it was security for her- so while I was working she sat right behind me in my chair, all day. I put a blanket down so she would have a comfy spot- you know how Yorkies need their comfy spots! Oh how I miss that.
She loved her sister Chloe, they were always together. We got Chloe in 2009 and Bonnie didn't want anything to do with her at first, boy was she mad at us! It took about a month and she finally warmed up to her then they became inseparable. Chloe would get Bonnie to play by nipping her in the butt, it was super cute! Bonnie was always lazy with the play fighting, she was always laying on her back pawing and biting- it was never aggressive just playful. The two of them would snuggle all the time, I can tell Chloe misses her too.
A little over a year ago Bonnie was diagnosed with chronic kidney disease. I literally felt my heart breaking when the vet told me. We did everything we could to fight it. All the meds, the foods, the dietary restrictions, the specialist, the fluids, the magical herb remedies, the constant vet visits-everything in our power and Means and she was getting worse. There was a point when we had hope that we were maintaining - we had a wonderful Christmas and even the next few months she seemed to be doing so well. I got the false sense of hope she was going to be with us for a lot longer. I was trying to mentally prepare for the day I would lose her but honestly I've always been a glass half full kind of gal so I really wasn't prepared to say goodbye. I was determined to do whatever she needed to give her the best possible quality of life.
She started to really take a turn for the worse in late April early May. She was losing weight, her appetite was decreasing and she just didn't feel good, I could tell and it was so hard to watch. It got to a point where I was taking her to get fluids everyday then we started doing them at home. Dad was brave enough to do the poke because I couldn't - but it was hard for him too, he's a man's man but when it comes to our babies he's a big softie. It was very stressful when it came time to give her the fluids but we did it for her, she used to get so stressed out on the way to the vet and she would always poop in the car on the way there. I think it was a statement poop really. I remember sometimes after having a rough day at work, getting her in the car to go to the vet, she poops while I'm driving, I get frustrated, try to bag it while driving and we get to the vet, they take her back administer her fluids she's happy to see me, I take her on the lawn to pee, she always had to pee right after her fluids, then we would head back home. She would whine all the way home. I never understood why. Once we got home, she was fine, she would rub herself on the couch cushions and do this cute little growl thing - it was one of her happy girl traits. Towards the last month or so when I would ask for her weight when the girls took her back, it kept coming back less and less, as soon as her weight started going I knew we were losing her. The vet tech would bring her out to the car (during Covid-19 I couldn't go in with her) and tell me her weight and each time I heard it my heart sank. I kept searching for some kind of answer to help her but the truth is I was powerless and it was killing me. I had to stay strong for her and for dad because they needed me on my A-game and I couldn't let them down.
I was cooking her food based on a special formula I got from a vet nutritionist since January and she wasn't even eating that. I was getting blood work done every couple of months to monitor her levels. When her phosphorus got really high we paid for another custom formula and I started cooking a new diet. It had barely any meat in it because she couldn't have barely any protein. I tried everything to doctor it up to get her to eat but nothing was working. I tried to just cook her chicken to see if it was the diet or appetite and she ate a couple times, it gave me hope but it didn't last long. I had to syringe feed her because she wouldn't eat anything anymore. I had to do the same with water. The specialist suggested a feeding tube be placed in her neck but we just couldn't do that to her. She was 16 and less than 5 pounds at this point and it just sounded awful. I bought a box of syringes and did the math based on what her nutrition needs were, I made her food in to a slurry and filled up 10 syringes and force fed her throughout the day to try to revive her. Sometimes she was really cooperative but most of the time it was hard for her and it was hard for me. I hated it but I wasn't going to give up on her. Regardless of my efforts, my will, my determination, my love, the disease was winning. She started to feel really frail and fell over a couple times when going out to go potty. She was losing muscle and stability.
We held on as long as we could but we didn't want her to suffer anymore. The day we made the heartbreaking decision to let her go, we stayed up all night with her. Her safe space was the couch so we stayed on the couch with her all day and night just holding her, crying and loving on her.i tried to stay awake the entire time because I didn't want to miss one moment with her. That song from Aerosmith - I don't want to miss a thing explains it perfectly. She seemed at peace, she laid in my arms for hours as I held her like a baby. I'm crying as I write this, it still hurts so much. My head is pounding, the tears are streaming, my nose is stuffed up but somehow it's healing...I feel like putting my feelings out there is making me re-live it all over again.
I had spoke to a vet who I felt comfortable with and when the time came, was prepared to come and help us say goodbye. When I called her to set up the day, she wasn't available, it started to feel rushed, like I needed to fit her in a time slot and it just felt wrong. I started calling around to find a dr that was available to come to the house - I had to repeat myself multiple times to different people of my situation and each time it cut a little deeper. I found a lady that said she could come out the same night around 8pm , one that could do 10am the next morning and one that could 5pm the next day. I can't tell you how awful it feels to schedule your baby's death but it was something we had to do. We didn't want to let the disease just ride out, every vet I spoke to said it would be bad for her, she could have gone in to seizures, she could have been in pain and just felt like absolute crap so we just couldn't let her go through that and in her own way, she was letting us know it was time and it was ok.
I decided to take the 5pm on Thursday the 21st. When I asked about masks and all of that, they told me they prefer to do it outside or in a garage...I told them that was a dealbreaker for me! No way in hell my baby is dying in a garage or outside! I told them we would wear masks and gloves if we needed to but she was going to be on her couch. I remember looking at the clock and counting down the hours and then minutes that I had left with her- it was excruciating.That afternoon I made her a new york strip steak, she could only eat a couple of bites-I think she did it for us-but I know they were tasty, she used to love getting little scraps here and there and steak and chicken was her favorite. Here we are offering her a whole steak to herself and she couldn't even eat it...
I chose The Good Life For Pets and the vet came out to the house at 4:45 ...she was 15 minutes early! She was nice and kind but you never want to see these people enter your home...she started to explain the procedure- but I stopped her, told her we've been through this before and didn't need the play by play. We put music on the last hour she was with us- You are my sunshine and Somewhere over the Rainbow played in a loop. We held her and cried and let her know it was OK and how much we loved her we said our goodbyes and held her in our arms until she had passed. We cut off her signature ponytail so we could keep it and took off her pajamas for her memorial spot. I kissed her on her head before seeing her for the last time. We cried for hours after watching her being carried out in the basket.
We had her cremated and they did a clay paw print. It came out very nice and her urn is a cherrywood box with a gold plate with her name engraved on it and a golden lock. It came in a blue velvet bag with 2 small keys attached. I have her on my nightstand along with her favorite toys and the last tire treat she enjoyed,
It has been 2 months since we lost her and I'm still a mess. I miss her so much it hurts. I sleep with a pair of the pajamas she wore the last week she was with us, I watch videos of her every night before I go to sleep and I cry. She was my sweet sweet baby girl and I miss her every single day. My life will never be the same.
07/31- Good morning baby girl, I miss you. ❤️ I miss waking up and seeing your sleepy face. Today is mommy's birthday and I don't feel much like celebrating because you are not here with me. I love you so much and I'm so lost without you my Boogie luv. I know you are in a better place now with Kris healthy and happy and making new friends. I'm sending you lots of snuggles and kisses today and always. Mommy loves you so so much.❤️
08/03- Hello luv, I wish you were here so I could give you lots of snuggles and kisses. I'm really missing you tonight. Chloe misses you too, she hasn't been the same since the day you left. Sometimes when daddy and I are on the couch watching TV, I reach out to pet you in your spot next to me and then I remember you are no longer with us and it makes me so sad. I miss my boogie luv so so much. I had a necklace made with your paw print and your name so I can have you with me all the time. It's not the same but it helps. I got a picture frame for your memorial spot on my nightstand but I can't decide which picture I want to put in it. I have so many and they are all so adorable it's hard to pick just one. I have been making videos with your pictures and videos that we have from over the years. You were such a funny girl. I watched one yesterday when you were being all silly after your bath and rubbing all over everything like a crazy girl. I miss that so much. I love you sweet baby❤️ Sleep well, my angel.
08/05- Hi sweet baby, mommy misses you so so much. I was throwing the ball for Lukas and Chloe today and I really missed how you used to bark when I threw Lukas's ball. I wish you were here next to me on your comfy pillows. I still have your bed set up next to my pillow. I miss how soft you were after a bath. I miss the way you would act like you were swimming if I put you over a sink. That was pretty funny. Daddy and I were talking about you tonight remembering how you used to do the motor boat on the floor and we laughed. We miss you so much and we hope you are living care free with lots of friends and love. You will be in our hearts forever. Goodnight mamma. ❤️😘
08/26- Good Morning my gorgeous, I wrote to you on the 21st and it looks like I didn't click apply changes so you may not have gotten my message. I am so sorry for that! I miss you so much my luv. Mommy is really struggling without you. I feel so alone. Whenever I was having a bad day I could pick you up and snuggle you and things didn't seem so bad. You were my rock and now everything is so different. It's been 3 months and it feels like yesterday. I made a playlist of songs that remind me of you and I cry everytime I listen to them. I am so sorry I couldn't make you better, I'm sorry I had to take you to the vet so much, I know you didn't like it but I had to. I hope wherever you are that you are healthy, happy and loved. I didn't realize how many pictures and videos I had of you over the years, I'm so glad I did. I have a whole library of Boogie I can go to anytime. It's definitely not the same as having you here, but for those couple of minutes it makes me smile. I watch a few every night before I go to bed and tell you I love you. I hope you hear me. Daddy got me a present and showed me the video of it being made. It has 12 pictures of you and they are all painted on one canvas, it looks really beautiful. It supposed to be here this Friday, I can't wait to get it. Chloe misses you so much, we can tell. Whenever I say your name, she looks for you. She seems sad and doesn't have as much spunk as she used to. I try to give her lots of snuggles and love but it's not the same for her, I can tell. I miss you so much baby girl it hurts. Funny thing- not long after we said goodbye to you, we noticed a chipmunk that kept coming around on the back patio and one day I noticed she poked her head out of the slats under the hot tub, we kept seeing her and figured she has made the patio her home. She is still there, I saw her yesterday. I have been giving her water and almonds. I told daddy that maybe you were reincarnated into a chipmunk...no one really knows what happens when we go to our final resting place. I hope you are happy and I hope you know how much we love you and that you will have a special place in our hearts forever. I miss you so much my love, I love you. Rest well my sweet sweet baby.
09/22- Hello my luv, I miss you so so much. It's been 4 months now without you and I feel so alone. The painting daddy got for me is huge, it came out really nice and is hanging on the wall. I look at everyday and I smile - seeing your sweet face. I still watch videos of you every night and it still feels empty when I go to sleep without you nestled in next to me. I tell you goodnight and that I love you every night before I go to sleep- I hope you hear me. I'm hurting pretty bad right now mama and I sure could use some of your snuggles. I'm so sad, every day takes so much energy to function that by the end of the day, I'm wiped out. I love you sweet baby girl and I miss you so much it hurts.
11/16- Happy Birthday baby girl, I miss you so much. I know I haven't been by in awhile and I'm sorry. The truth is, I'm trying to cope without having you in my life anymore and I always get so sad when I write to you. We miss you so much, Chloe isn't the same without you. She misses you too I can tell. I was talking about you the other day and she was looking for you. I'm not going to cook for Thanksgiving this year, it's just not the same without you. I hope you get to enjoy the big feast where you are like you used to during the holidays. This has been an awful year for so many reasons but with all of it, losing you was the worst part it. We are going to watch some videos of you tonight in your memory to honor your birthday. I still have your bed set up next to my pillow and I still sleep with your pajamas and tell you goodnight every night, I hope you hear me. I wear the necklace with your paw print everyday and as time passes, it hurts a little less. I miss you so much my luv and I love you more than I can express in words. Happy Birthday my angel.
12/05- Hello my luv, Mommy misses you so much. I was decorating the tree and putting your ornaments up and I felt so sad. Your memorial ornament should be here on Tuesday. Christmas doesn't feel the same without you. I love you sweet baby, I miss your soft warm snuggles and the noises you would make while dreaming. I tell you goodnight every night and how much I miss and love you, I hope you hear me. Chloe is snuggled up by legs right now and she is snoring so loud. She really misses you too. I hope you are surrounded by love with Kris and lots of new friends.
I miss you my Boogie luv. ❤️