Life is bittersweet with the recent passing of my boy Beuk "The Big Boy" who gave me 14+ great years of dogness. The solace comes from knowing he did a LOT of living during his life, 100k miles in the truck, dog day care, camping trips & home cooked meals. You gotta take comfort in knowing you gave him the best life you could. He was a complex character who had ZERO interest in doing 'dog things'; if you threw a ball or a stick, he'd just give you a look like, "And what am I supposed to do with that?" and lie back down. But if you kicked him in the chops, now THAT was his idea of a good time....always ready to lock that jaw on your skull in a dog style sparring match. I may miss my four legged wild man, but I have no regrets.

From Mommy:

Your Uncle Joe said it best "You were our little philosopher, a poet." You looked at us with human eyes. You were so much more than a dog, you were our friend, you were our family. I will miss you forever. I am in tears as I write this. I look for you everywhere Big Boy. You could be such a haunt, but I would give anything to see one of your "what are you going to do for me now?" stares. I miss seeing you in the yard, on your dog bed, and on the Yankees blanket. Being in the truck without you is so hard. I expect to look behind me and see you on your blanket, or see your head laying on the arm rest with your eyes closed gently from the sunlight. I opened the window for you the other day and talked to you as I drove. I look at your bandanas and all I can do is cry. Oh, how handsome you looked in the clothes Aunt Joyce bought for you! Every color looked good on you. God, I never knew I would miss you this much, I am heartbroken. I feel like the pain will never go away and the past few days have been utterly joyless. I wish I could just hold you again and smell your shiny fur. We used to joke and say you smelled like fritos. I dedicate the song "By the Boab Tree" to you my dear friend. Whenever I hear that song, I think of you. I will always love and miss you Beukie. Enjoy the rainbow bridge. I know you will make alot of friends and cause alot of trouble! Rest in peace Big Boy.

Memories of Beuk:

We were all talking about you the other day. Daddy and I, and Mike and Joe have so many awesome memories of you. You were so unique and so special. Here are all the things about you that we remember and will always miss.

One my favorites, the way you would always show your teeth when you smiled and were happy or just saying hello. "Come on Big Boy, let me see your teeth!"

How you were so afraid of thunderstorms. I used to rag you about hiding from them.

How you loved your truck rides and always wanted to be in "the thick of it." Always under our feet, and you knew what it meant when someone put on shoes. You would run to the top of the stairs when you heard the jiggle of car keys!

You loved your cookies. You would stand by the closet door and wait for them.

You would not play catch or fetch anything, but you loved skull biting the guys. Daddy told me about your fake Yawn and Bite move and how you were fast as lightning when you were young. Most athletic dog in the world. I remember how fast you were and how you could dodge the leg grabs!

You would always roll around after dinner and you loved your food "seasoned."

Your favorite words were: "Go, truck, store, eat, dog dinner and cookie."

You would always tilt your head to the side when I asked you a question. And you loved when I yelped.

You were a wild man and an instigator at the dog park and at dog camp. And you would cry so LOUD all the way to camp. We used to tell you off when you did that. You knew when we were only a few blocks away.

You loved drive thru bank cookies and always looked for them at EVERY drive thru.

You never begged for people food or rummaged in garbage. You were too refined for that. And you would NEVER touch unattended food.

You would annoy me and push open the bedroom door as I slept, letting the light in and waking me up. "Dammit Beuk!"

You had your own "dog room and full size dog bed." I used to make you move when Uncle Joe was coming to stay.

You would ALWAYS, knock on the door and bark almost immediately after being let out in the yard. You used to drive us crazy!

You would duck and weave away from head pets.

You let me dress you up in funny clothes and loved your bandanas. You had a change of clothes for every day and holidays. You looked great in every color.

I adored your floppy ear. And you had the most beautiful shiny black coat. You were so regal, and handsome and youthful.

You never had to be put on a leash when going in the truck.

Daddy and I swear you had human eyes.

You loved to play "all the dog angles", didn't like being "on the outs" and always had to be "in the thick of it."

You would stand on long rides and droop your head over the back of the seat. You also would rest your head on the armrest and close your eyes in the sun when we took you on car rides.

You were very quiet and rarely barked. When you did bark, you threw your head from side to side and looked at us from the corner of your eyes.

You hated yelling and curse words. When you haunted me, I could say a curse word and you would go upstairs.

You always wanted a cookie after daddy ran the blender.

I miss your excitement over warm dog chicken and eggs.

You would give us the hard lean when you wanted something. And then you would swallow really hard!

Remember when we first took you to the new home on Montrachet? You did not know there was a pool. It was night time, and you fell in!

Beukie, I thought you were made of steel and would be with us so much longer. I feel like I took you for granted. I would give anything to have you back. You were the best dog ever and I miss you so much!

9/8/10 - Hi Big boy. Today makes one week since we said good-bye to you, I am heartbroken. I look at videos of you every morning and every night just to feel like you are still here with me. Daddy told me your ashes are ready. Its such an odd feeling. I hate the thought of you being gone, of being only ashes. Of never seeing you playfully "show your teeth" or see that adorable floppy ear of yours, or touch your shiny black coat. Its so horrible the havoc death wreaks. I know you are free from pain and at peace, but I miss you SO much. I still can't believe our Big Boy is gone. In a childlike way, I thought you would live forever. Part of me is glad we will be getting your ashes just to have you home again but I will always miss you and cry over you. I wish you would run to the door again to show me you need to go in the yard, or see you in the man room on your blanket. I wish I had always let you on the couch whenever you wanted. I regret every moment I ever lost patience with you. I wish you would push open the bedroom door at night and let the light shine in to annoy me - LOL. I wish you were under my feet again circling me, looking for a ride in the truck. I loved you more than words can express. I love you Beukie.

9/15/10 - Hi Bog Boy. Its been two weeks since we let you go to the Rainbow Bridge. I am still crying everyday and missing you, but I am finally letting go of the guilt. I was able to get a second opinion about your condition and I see now that we did all we could to save you and keep you here, but it was time to let you go. I hope you were not in too much pain the day we let you go. I was so worried that we let you go too soon, now I hope we did not let you go too late. I miss you so much. I know you are sending me signs that you are still here, and I while I am so happy that you are staying close by, I want you to feel free to go the bridge and enjoy the lush meadows and run free again big boy. I wish you were here, and I wish you had stayed with us til your 15th birthday. I thought you were made of steel and that we had so much more time with you. I am so sad that you are gone but I am trying now to celebrate your life. And what a great dog life you had! We loved you and spoiled you so much! I hope you will always know how much we love you. We had a memorial service for you tonight. Mommy and daddy and Uncle Joe lit candles for you, read poems and gave you some beautiful lillies and gladiolus. Mike is still in alot of pain and could not deal with being at the memorial. He loves you and misses you so much. I lit a candle for you and gave you a flower in his honor. I know in his heart that he was there with us honoring your memory. As Uncle Joe said "you were our boy." Always in the thick of it, always playing all the dog angles. You were so much more than a dog, you were a friend and you were our family. You were a unique soul. Our pensive dreamer. I will miss you always and you are always in my heart and on my mind. Enjoy the Rainbow Bridge you handsome boy. We will see you again my friend. Love you and miss you big boy!

9/22/10 - Hi Beukie. Today is 3 weeks since you left us. No matter what I do, or how I try to occupy myself, I can't stop thinking about you. I miss you so much. I still can't believe you are gone. I feel like my heart is broken. I miss you for so many reasons. First, I always thought I had more time with you. And secondly, no matter what anyone else says, I wish I had paid you so much more attention when you here. Sometimes I feel like I took you for granted. I know you were aloof sometimes, but I could have made more of an effort to cuddle with you or hang out with you. Daddy and I were talking about you yesterday and I know he misses you something awful. We both wish we could just hug you again. I miss seeing you, I miss smelling your fur, I miss touching you. I cry everyday and I feel like it will never stop. I loved you so much! Anyway, I am going to write your story, I promise. I sat down and listed so many things about you I remember, from the crazy little quirks that made you YOU, to the memories I have of things you did to make us laugh. You were so special. As you daddy says, you were your own dog. I just wish I had known you were sick. I hate that you were unhappy at the end. But I remember that last morning with you. When we all triple dog teamed you, you lifted your head a little and wagged your tail. God, I just hope we did not make the decision too soon for you. I hope you were ready. I am still so plagued with question, regardless of what the vets say. You could not speak, and I only hope we did not send you away before you were completely ready. And if we did, please forgive us. We just didn't want you to suffer. I love you and miss you so much Big Boy! I hope you are enjoying the Rainbow Bridge. I hope you are young, and painfree and running around. I hope the food and cookie treats are endless. I hope there are loving hands there that pet you in our absence amd I hope your beautiful black coat is shining in the sun. God, I miss you. Love you Beukie.

9/29/10 - Its been 4 weeks since you left us. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that you are gone. I even spoke to a grief counselor yesterday. I am taking this so hard. I take comfort in knowing you had a long life and that you were healthy, and vital almost to the end. Even Dr. Peterson misses you. She loved you too. My pain comes from wondering if we let you go too soon. I think of all the great times I had with you. I miss drying you off in the office after you came in from the rain. You loved when I massaged your beautiful coat and kept you warm. I miss that gorgeous face. I will always love you and miss you. You were one of a kind. I look at your pictures and videos of you everyday just to see you again. Miss you big boy. Love you Beukie.

11/1/10 - Its been two months today since you left us. I miss you so much. My heart is broken. To just have one more day with you, I would just hug and kiss you. To see you leave us left a hole in me. None of us are the same anymore. You touched our lives in a way you can't imagine. You were our family. We miss you so much and talk about you all the time. I am so sorry for the times I lost patience with you. I still wonder and hope that we made the right decision but I still have so many questions. I wish I could go back, maybe I would have seen things more clearly. I know you were sick and that we had little time left, but I just hope we did not let you go too soon. Maybe I am just torturing myself because I miss you so much. We will love and miss you forever Beukie. Enjoy the bridge big boy. I hope you are laying in the warm sun.

3/1/2011 - Happy Birthday in heaven Big Boy. You would have been 15 this month. We love and miss you so much. Love you Beukie.

Sing and I will hear you
No matter where you are
A song to light the darkest night
And guide me from afar

And I will never be alone
Now I know you're somewhere
You're everywhere to me
You're the colour in the sky
A reason to believe
And when the rain falls down
You tell a story
And I will hear you
Always near you
By the boab tree

Lay your arms around me
Like the falling rain
Let the feeling drown me
And life begins again

And I will never be afraid
Now I know you're somewhere
You're everywhere to me
The warming of the sun upon
The earth beneath my feet
And when the rain falls down
You tell a story
And I will hear you
Always near you
By the boab tree

Oh you are somewhere
You're everywhere to me
You're the colour in the sky
And you're the earth beneath my feet
And when the rain falls down
You tell a story
And I will hear you
Always near you
By the boab tree

"In the Candle's Glow"
(The poem I read to you the night we lit your candles)

Warm light coming from far below,
Twinkling, sparkling is the candle's glow.
All is well up on the ridge,
The place we know as Rainbow Bridge.

Furbabies sleeping in heaven's light,
Tended by candles in the night.
Peaceful dreams be theirs to keep,
As they slumber in this night so deep.

Hearts on earth that miss them so,
Take comfort in the candle's glow.
Watching for them in skies above,
Bound eternally by a cord of love.

Laura Hickman

Tribute To A Best Friend

Sunlight streams through window pane
unto a spot on the floor....
then I remember,
it's where you used to lie,
but now you are no more.
Our feet walk down a hall of carpet,
and muted echoes sound....
then I remember,
It's where your paws would joyously abound.
A voice is heard along the road,
and up beyond the hill,
then I remember it can't be yours....
your golden voice is still.
But I'll take that vacant spot of floor
and empty muted hall
and lay them with the absent voice
and unused dish along the wall.
I'll wrap these treasured memorials
in a blanket of my love
and keep them for my best friend
until we meet above.

Author Unknown