Our beloved little Bella B was only 7 years old and happy as she could be until almost overnight her IVDD paralyzed her back legs and placed her in so much pain. Still, she held her head high, grinned through it all, and tried to tell us she loved us. This little baby gave us everything, and we gave her everything. She took with her a piece of our hearts yesterday. We so miss her and will love her forever and until we meet again.|
Tomorrow, Monday 9/22, will be nearly as painful for your people as yesterday was. We have decided to cremate the earthly body you left behind, and we will create a memorial urn for your ash, using a small portion to create pendants we can wear to have you next to our hearts for eternity. We love you, Bella B, we just love you, sweet baby.
Thank you for showering us with your doggie kisses yesterday. Daddy said he would never forget the look in your eyes as he held you in your final moments. You knew, didn't you? You knew. You were trying to tell us you loved us, you would never forget us, and you were grateful to no longer be in pain. Saying goodbye to you yesterday was the hardest thing we have ever done. We have known the joy of unconditional love because of you, Bella B. You have given us so many happy memories.... our life will never be the same without you.
9/22/14. Hello Baby B. Mommy here. After 2 days of cloudy skies and rain (Heaven was crying for us), God gave us a beautiful sunny day today. We drove your earthly body to the crematory where we gave you to the kind man. One last look, one last kiss, one last touch - that will have to do me for now. I miss you so very much, baby girl. Several people have written messages in your Guest Book and they can tell you had a splendid life here on Earth! Have you met Tashi and Pressy yet? You never had many friends here on Earth but I hope you now know the joy of friends! Maybe you have even found your sister, Louise (Weasie). You girls didn't get along & Weasie went to be with new parents. They were so sad when she got cancer that took her away. Please give her sweet doggie kisses from us. Mommy and Daddy think about you every minute. One of the things we miss the most is how excited you were when we came home from being gone. Our home is so terribly quiet without your little heartbeat. Daddy is having an especially hard time now - perhaps you could enter his dreams and let him know that you don't feel betrayed. I sat in our chair today, Baby B - I felt your presence on my lap as if you were really there with me. Thank you for that, sweet girl. I love you so. I just love you.
Tonight I found the perfect little sterling silver heart urn pendant that I will wear every day, so that I can carry you next to my heart, every day. We will bring your ash home on Thursday, and find a special place in our home to place you. Some of your ash will go into my pendant; some we will place into a memorial garden just for you; and some will remain in a special urn in our home. You will never ever be forgotten, sweet baby. Our hearts are bound together forever and ever. Daddy and I hope you are living a good life there at Rainbow Bridge. We miss you so very much, Baby Bella B. Sweet dreams my baby girl....
9/23/14. Baby B, are you getting enough to eat, and do you like the food there? Mommy had just made your special food for you before it was your time to go. I have frozen it. I bet you have even lost a little weight now that you get to run and run. I took Daddy to the eye doctor today, and again, the hardest thing is coming home to a quiet house. We miss your special "finally you're home" howl! Daddy calls it warbling. I will be bringing you home from the crematorium tomorrow, but sweetie girl - it won't be your last ride. Soon I'll be carrying you with me next to my heart every where I go. I have to go back to work tomorrow- maybe the distraction will ease my heavy heart some. I miss you so much, Baby B. I know that you are now a special angel, watching over Mommy & Daddy. Everyone knows that angels have wings and can fly. In my dreams, Baby B, I imagine you racing over the meadows, like you used to do in your yard, only now you have wings and can finally fly faster than Maggie Girl. Fly, my sweet Baby B, fly.............
Mommy is especially sad tonight. I don't know what to do with myself. It's time to feed you but you are not here. Soon it will be "cozy time" and you aren't here. But you are thinking about me; I can feel you licking my face. And I smile.
9/24/14. Oh, Bella B, you should see the beautiful mum plant Angel brought me today. It will live in the house and remind me every day of our short time together. Work was therapeutic for me today and took my mind away from my grief for a little while. I went to the crematorium and got you back; talked to you all the way home as though you were in the car with me. We received a small terra cotta plate with your footprint in it! I will cherish this always. When I got home and peeked in the breezeway, I saw you sitting there waiting for me. I know you are our little angel watching over us from Rainbow Bridge. I'm finding some measure of peace now. Little girl, I so love you and miss you.
Remembering you is easy, I do it every day. Missing you is the heartache that never goes away....
9/25/14. Today is Daddy's birthday, little Bella B. Sending you a bite of birthday cake. XOXO
9/26/14. Oh, Baby B, I miss you. You are my first morning thought, my commute to work daydream, and the last thought I have before I fall asleep. I look for you when I come home, looking up at the window in the door, to see if it is me. I listen for the sound of your bark that would be music to my ears right now. I search for you every where. The silence in this house is unsettling. Both Daddy and I wander around here without purpose, not knowing how to adjust to your absence. I see you at the bottom of the deck steps, before we moved, just sitting there looking up at me. How was I to know that your back hurt, that you didn't want to come up the steps because it hurt you too much. I am so very sorry, Baby B, I didn't know. I will never ever forget the way you looked up at me from the bottom of the steps. I would give anything to hold you again just for one more day, one more moment. Wait for me, sweet Baby... until one day it is time for me to come home and be with you. I so love you.
9/27/14. Baby Bella B. You have been gone for one week now and I am still searching for you Baby B. Daddy and Mommy are suffering so - who knew a tiny little 18# furry baby doggie could cause so much heartbreak and utter devastation. Today I tried to stay busy. Dad was out of sorts all day, and tonight just sat at the counter and cried his eyes out. You are so loved little girl. I imagine this process of moving on with our lives won't be quite as easy street as we would have thought. Little Baby B - we loved you to the moon and back, and nothing - NOTHING - could have prepared us for the desolate emptiness and heartbreak we feel. I only hope you know and feel, how very much you were loved and adored. What we would not give for one more day one more hour one more minute with you, our sweet girl. Rest in peace, little one. With all our love to you - Mommy & Daddy
9/28/14. Baby, here I am, late at night, in the secret dark place of my mind. Thinking about how I played Kostia for you on that first day we had to keep you immobile in the crate. I hoped it would soothe your pain somewhat. I think it did; you seemed calm, accepting. As it is for me, dear heart. I am listening to Yanni and Secret Garden tonight. I am creating a Bella Playlist, not so much for you, but for me. Music that reminds me of you and takes me to the happy places when you were here with us. Did you know you have a song named for you? Yes. "Bella" by Santana. Today I add "Gateway to the Clouds" (Mehdi, maybe?)... anyway that one makes me imagine you taking your journey to Rainbow Bridge, and how you must have been feeling then. I find myself still, after one week of you being gone, not knowing how to live. And, not caring much about anything. I only want to escape to my secret dark place and think about you. No one can tell another person how to grieve, how long they must grieve, nor when they need to get on with their life. Getting on with my life hasn't become a priority for me, yet, little girl. By day, I can go through the motions, but by night my mind takes me back to the life I had when you were here with me, watching every move, following me from room to room, having our little rituals, like Cozy Time. But you are gone. And I weep for you. Daddy weeps for you. If tears were a river to the Bridge, we would have arrived there to scoop you up and bring you home. Both Daddy and me have lost very dear loved ones in our lives - family, friends, but we agree that nothing has been harder for either of us than losing you. Is that wrong? It just has to be a special kind of bond created by God that only some people get to experience in their lifetime. I've had dogs before; even cats. But I have never ever felt this tightly connected to any other pet or any other human that I do you. I have questioned that, Bella B, but I also believe there are no mistakes in God's world, and I may never know the reason. And so, I have no other choice but to feel what I feel, and that is an undying, everlasting love for my little Baby Bella B. I so miss you, Baby B.
10/03/14. Dear Baby B. Summer has given way to fall. The leaves are turning fast & the evenings are too chilly to sit out. I would grab you up and we would take a ride to see all the beautiful colors of fall. If only you were here. Last night I hugged you tight to my side, as the thunder & lightning raged around our house. I hope there's no thunderstorms at the Bridge, Baby B, and if there are, I hope there is someone to comfort you there. I miss you so. Tomorrow it will have been 2 weeks since your passing, and it hasn't gotten any easier on us humans. Daddy had a very bad day today, he said. Do you wonder why he hasn't written to you? I wish I could answer that but I really don't know. Perhaps he does in a different way; yes, I'm sure he does. I hope you're warm and happy where you are, and that you have found your back legs once again. I have your ash around my neck in a little heart shaped pendant, with your name, Bella B, inscribed on it. I will never ever forget you, my baby, until we can be together again. XOXO
Bella B, you must have been the glue that stuck us together, because without you here with us, Daddy and I are really struggling... I feel so defeated, so sad, so purposeless. Daddy and I are having issues. I hope we can work them out. I am so sad, little girl, I don't know what to do. I love you so much, and I also love Daddy so much, but he is so far away right now.... I am so unraveled. XOXO Bella B
10/04/14. Two weeks ago today, at this very hour, we held you close to our hearts as you took your last breath; the last beat of your little heart, and slipped peacefully away. Little Baby Bella B, you were so loved; you so mattered.
11/05/14. My little Baby B. I have been thinking a lot about you lately. You now have a new baby sister named Lucy. I wish you were here to play with her. Both Mom and Daddy accidentally call her Baby B sometimes. That's how much we think about you all the time. Today I hung a Christmas stocking on your memorial.... Christmas is coming. I also left you a blanket to keep you warm, and a bowl of popcorn. We just got a new popcorn maker. You loved sharing popcorn with us, so I have given you some in case they don't have it there where you are. I wonder what all the animals will be doing at Rainbow Bridge. Tonight as I was writing in my journal, I wrote the question: Who in my life are shining beacons during times of pain and hardship? And I thought of you, Baby B. I thought of you because you never yelled or screamed at me, never scolded me, never spat on me. You just licked my face and made everything okay. There was a time I didn't know how I would go on without little you in my life, but time passes and people DO go on. It doesn't mean you are forgotten; your memory will live on in my heart forever and ever. I hope you can hear me as I call your name, as I talk to you on my drive to work.... I hope you know how much you were, and are, deeply loved.