10/12/2017 - You just left me. I know you had to but I am trying to figure out how to live my life without you. If my love and tears could have kept you with me, you would have lived forever. When we found each other, who rescued who? You were my foster baby for two days. Then you became my everything, I adopted you and will forever be your mama. I love you Bee. I miss you so much. Mama is still holding you tight.|
10/14/2017 - Today marks 1 week. So many people have been supportive here on this site but for life here at home everyone has just gone on but me. I still feel so much pain, loss and I can't see right now that will ever change for me. I just want you back. I still cry a lot and just can't seem to care about anything or anyone. I am trying to love the other dogs but all I can do is feed them and make sure they have water. They are trying to give me cuddles and they know I am sad but all I want is you. I know you were so tired and I know you stayed with me as long as you could. Since you were a rescue and we didn't find each other until you were 12 years old, I feel cheated. I only got to give you a happy ending. Eight years together was just not enough. Know that I am still holding you as tight as I can in my heart. I will never let you go. You are my everything.
10/21/2017 - Hey my baby. It's been 2 wks. since I helped you make your way to the bridge. I still feel empty inside and cry a lot. I wish people would just leave me alone and let me grieve for you. Yesterday was hard. I thought of me kissing you on your little head saying "I can never get enough kisses!" I am still holding you tight my baby. You will always be my everything.
10/26/2017 - I said I would only write on Saturdays. At least here. I started an journal of our days together last week. I am having such a hard time remembering all the great things we did together. I guess my heart is so filled with grief. I miss you so much my dear baby. Last night all I wanted to do was be with you. I cried myself to sleep, holding your bed and some of your things I put in it. I have not moved it. It is still above my pillows where you always slept and we cuddled and gave you massages. Never gonna let you go Bee. Forever holding you tight my sweet poodle.
10/28/2017 - Cried myself to sleep holding your picture last night. It is 3 weeks today my baby. I don't know how I am going to last missing you like this day after day. You are my life. As I told you for so many years, "You are my everything".
11/7/2017 - One month. Still miss you so much. Still cry for you and nights are really hard without you. I keep telling myself you are in a better place now. You are full of energy, loving your food and doing all the things you did when you were younger. You are not hurting or lonely, it's only me that is. Just the one you had to leave behind. Until I see you again my baby, I will hold you tight. Please come in my dreams. Show me signs that you are near me. Know that when you left me, you took a huge part of my heart with you. I am with you Bee.
11/23/2017 - Oh my sweet Bee. The 1st holiday without you. Support group says that you power through and make small changes. I am doing that. I am cooking for Dad and Alex but here's a twist, Samantha is staying for dinner. She even helped me cook yesterday and we are going to play tennis this morning. She's not happy about not doing Christmas this year but I can't do Christmas and my birthday without you this year. I will do something but it will be changed. Dad and Alex are going on a trip so they won't even be here. I will celebrate my b-day and Christmas with you. I will have to think of something you and I would like. You and me, and that's the way it's suppose to Bee. Remember how I always said that to you? Well, it's not Happy Thanksgiving this year. Haven't said that to anyone. It's "Have a good Thanksgiving". I love you and miss you so much. I write in a journal of our memories together, sing your song to you, and say good nite to you every nite. I can't wait until I see you again. Life is so empty without you in my arms.
12/7/2017 - Two month and 19 mins. since you closed your eyes forever. I hope you can feel me Bee. Hold me in your heart until we are together again. Know that I think about my perfect poodle all the time. I miss you more and more as each day goes by. My sweet Bee, you were my world. I have the special candles burning, the ones I only light on your anniversary, I wore my necklace, bracelet and earrings that have your birthstone today at work. I wear them only on your anniversary. I am going to start wearing the cheaper things everyday. I am still not ready to touch things of yours. All your clothes are still in your dresser, your bowls and spoons are still in the cupboard. I have had oil paintings of you done since you have been gone. Everyone loves painting you. I have signed releases to allow them to post them on their web sites. It's hard to think every day that you are not with me. I still write in the journal. It helps. It's really the only thing that makes me feel like we are having one of our little talks. I miss our talks, kissing your little forehead, the massages 2 or 3 times a day. You loved your massages. I changed your residency. It's winter here now. I put up a Christmas tree for you at your residency. I won't be having Christmas here at home this year. Just can't without you. I am hanging a stocking for you, Lillie and Cindy. I hope the three of you have become close. Tell Lillie and Cindy I didn't forget about them. I am sure they know that and know that you were the Queen Bee. I love you sweetie.
12/31/2017 - I made it through Christmas, my birthday, and now I guess I am doing New Years. It's now 2038 hrs. Almost 2018. A new year without my Bee. I have been alone since the 24th. I sent Dad and Alex on a trip. They went to Canada to freeze their butts off. I couldn't do these holidays without you this year. I have been lighting a candle for you and your friends at the bridge and reading a poem every night. Please see my light and hear my words. I can't feel you in my heart, I don't dream about you. The only thing I feel is empty, lonely, pain, and your gone forever. I can't understand it either Bee?? You and me baby remember? Our bond was so tight it doesn't seem right that I can't feel you living in my heart, dreaming of you, seeing signs. Please come to me in your new way. I need this Bee. I hurt so much all the time. And the 7th is coming up, 3 months since you have been gone and I am so exhausted. Know that I love you, miss you so much and can't wait to be with you. Wait for me at the bridge baby. Mama needs Bee. Don't you ever leave your mama. Remember when I said that to you. I still mean that, I always will. Feel me holding you tight.
1/7/2018 - Long and heavy exhale sweet Bee. Right now it has been 3 long months since you have been gone. My God! It feels like a gut wrenching life time already. How will I ever make it day after day?? Please know that I miss you so much every day. I still cry but not as much, although I am crying now. I am so lonely without you. I did finally go to the grocery store by myself for the 1st time last week. Dad has been having to go or go with me. I guess that is some progress. Still so many things are the "1st" without you. So many of them still not ready to tackle. Mommy loves you big. I am sorry I had to let you go. Your wings were ready, my heart never. Wait for me Bee. The time will come when I will have my own wings and we can fly away together.
2/10/2018 - I know I didn't write on your 4 mnth. but I did light your special candles and talked to you. I hope you heard me and saw the light. We have had big problems with Samantha. That said, please know that I still carry a heavy load of grief and loss for you. I know you are free of all the struggles, confusion and any pain you may have been in. I still wish that you could have came into my life and stayed forever. For some stupid reason I always thought you would. I never pictured a day without you, even during your last mnths. I still was not thinking that way. I miss my pocket baby so much. I just made it to Target 3 wks. ago for the 1st time without you. Of course I run into someone we knew and had to tell them you had to go and I ended up crying. I had to take Alex to Dr. Ibrahami last wk. for the 1st without you. Remember we would wait in the waiting area and I would brush you? Others wouldn't even know you were there because you were so tiny. When I was done brushing you I would put you in your doggie purse and massage your sweet little body til you fell asleep. And when it was time to pay the co-payment I would put the purse you were in on the reception counter and the girls would freak out when you popped you head out. So many things are a 1st time without you that I am now being forced into doing. So many more left. I have your pawprint tattooed on my heart but it means nothing when I can't feel you in my heart. Please come to me Bee in your new form. I will always be watching and waiting. XOXO Your Mommy Forever
3/15/2018 - Now, 5 months, 8 days without you in my life. It's getting harder to write here on your anniversary. I think its becoming more of a personal day. I take the day off and as soon as dusk hits I light your special candles. About a week before I still get really depressed, lack of motivation, sleep is bad, upset tummy. Remember how when you would get an upset tummy, I would too. So many things have happened in the last few months. That has detoured me from my grief for you. Troubled issues, not good happy things and I am so mad because I feel cheated out of spending my time grieving when I want, shutting the world out. I say goodnight to you when I go to bed every night, and I love you in the morning. I hope you hear me Bee. I still can't feel you in my heart, I hope you feel me, watch over me and maybe I still feel such a loss that my heart is not ready yet? I just moved your bed from above my pillow last week. I am washing some things and putting them away. I took in a senior poodle that has chronic kidney disease. My heart was tugging at giving a little senior girl a last chance. I want to let your legacy to live on forever. I didn't take her in knowing she had kidney problems. I hope this is a sign from you. She doesn't have the same exact kidney issues as you, she is only 8 so the treatment is a little different. Right now it's too soon to say what will happen but she is sweet and loving like you. She is nothing like you and that's just fine. Wouldn't want that and that would be impossible anyway, you were and always will be my perfect poodle. I love you and miss you so much. The pain of you being gone is still heavy but it's different. I guess that's a way of adjusting and living my life without my other half. You will always be my other half. Half my heart lives with you now. I think I am getting little "stitches" to keep my heart together but it will never be whole again. Know how much Mama loves you and always will.
4/1/2018 - It's Easter today. I changed your background and will keep the Easter tree up for a little while. Another season is coming up without us together. I feel like I have aged. So little is happy anymore, nothing is true happiness. You are my happiness. I still can't talk about you because I will cry and then of course the judgement comes from others. Tink has still not stabilized. My gut says it's not going to happen but look at Anna. She is still hanging on. Boeing is having a hard time too. All my babies are leaving me. And you Bee, I was never suppose to survive you. Dad and I had a deal when I would go. Doctor Nolet hated it but agreed to do it and you would follow me. That was the plan. I can't make sense of it. Biff, Clare and I am choosing to believe you were right there too, sent me a message to pass on. Tell Biff to keep sending me them. I know you are with them and are safe. I know you will all be there at the bridge ready to welcome me. Until then, I will follow my heart and let you guide me to what my purpose is. I know you put Tink in my lap. When she has to go she will leave knowing what love is. I am her Mommy. I will always be your Mama.
4/7/2018 - Long sigh my sweet Bee. Right now marks 6 months. Right now, 6 months ago we are outside in the backyard together with your little shirt on that says "Mommy's Slugger" on it. Your are roaming around for the very last time before I put you in the car and took you to the vet to let you go. The sun is shining, it was a nice day. It was the last time I took a picture of you. There were a lot of last times that morning, that afternoon. I still face a lot of "first times" without you. Every day when the sun is shining and I happen to look at where you used to lay in your bed in the kitchen area and the sun would shine in your eyes, I think "Bee hated this time of day". I think of you sweet baby all the time. Life without you has changed so much for me. The time will come when we will be together again. For today, I will be thinking of you and all your friends at the bridge knowing how happy and whole you are. Look for the light from all the candles I light tonight. Mommy loves you so much.
4/14/2018 - Hey my Sweet Pea. I changed your shrub. I picked lilac because you know how much I love the smell of them. I hope you are there at the bridge smelling lots of them. I know you are there with Lillie, Cindy, Biff and Bella. Biff is sending me messages and I know you sent me the message about Tink. I am following you guy' messages but really hope you all come in my dreams. Please try. I a trying my best to do one day at a time but life without you is so damn hard!! I still don't want to be here without you. I want to come to the bridge now. I hope my work here on earth is finished soon. Until then, let me feel you living in my heart.
5/7/2018 - Seven months in 2 mins. Two days ago I cried like I used to when you 1st had to leave. I cried 1st thing this am too. It seems like not long ago but years at the same time. I miss you every day. I know you are in a better place now and I don't regret making the decision to let you go but I still wish you were with me. Everything in the daily life is so different now. I changed your plant and will light all your candles as I do on your anniversary. Please see them and come to my dreams tonight. I still have not dreamed of you and that makes me feel like you are just gone. I don't feel you in my heart either. I am following your little signs and trying to open up to seeing and feeling more. I guess I want to feel that connection we had when you were here. It was just you and me and that's the way it's suppose to be. I will sing your song tonight to you before I go to bed. Can't wait to be with you again forever. I lost my only true love.
7/29/18 - My love, I have not written here or in your journal since your anniversary on the 7th of May. I have not forgotten you in fact so much so that I went back to work full-time. It's easier to work than to be here in our home. But I am always ready to come back home and I don't like to be far from our home. I cry on the way to work and as soon as I start for home I start crying again. I still don't feel you living in my heart and I still don't dream of you. Still are hanging on to the hummingbirds as a sign but always wanting more. I got cancer again. Stupid stage 1 skin cancer though. I was so ready to go and be with you. During the procedure I kept singing the song in my head "somewhere over the rainbow". I hope you heard me. I do hope that when it is time for me to leave you will find me and we will be together forever. I promise I will visit your memorial on your anniversary coming up and I will light all your candles. It's exhausting missing you every day. I love you double infinity.
9/14/18 - My sweet "Na-Nar" your birthday is coming up in 2 days. You will be 21. This is your 1st birthday that we are apart. Tell all your furs friends we do vanilla ice cream and not cake for your birthday. I did put a cake on your memorial though. I will have ice cream alone in your special birthday ice cream bowl & spoon, light all kinds of candles. Please see the light I shine for you my Baby girl. Life is still so lonely for me without you here. Sleep has been hard the last few mnths. I guess it's the dates. The 7th, the 16th and next mnth. on Oct. 7th will be 1 yr. since I let you go. How is it that it seems so new & raw and at the same time it feels like a lifetime ago?? Well, I am crying so much now I can't see the words I am typing. Bee, I still don't want to be here without you. Can't wait til we are together again. Nothing makes me happy anymore & whats worse is no one understands it. People here do but not people I have to face. My relationship with you has become very private but that's ok. You and me were always private anyway. You & Me and that's the way is suppose to BEEEEE! Your Mama is forever broken, until we meet again. XOXO
9/16/2918 - Happy Birthday my sweet. I will visit your friends here at the bridge, eat vanilla ice cream just like me always did, light tons of candle in hopes that you see the light and you can find a window to see it and come into my dreams tonight. I love you with all my heart. You and me Bee, we still have our own world together.