10/12/2017 - You just left me. I know you had to but I am trying to figure out how to live my life without you. If my love and tears could have kept you with me, you would have lived forever. When we found each other, who rescued who? You were my foster baby for two days. Then you became my everything, I adopted you and will forever be your mama. I love you Bee. I miss you so much. Mama is still holding you tight.|
10/14/2017 - Today marks 1 week. So many people have been supportive here on this site but for life here at home everyone has just gone on but me. I still feel so much pain, loss and I can't see right now that will ever change for me. I just want you back. I still cry a lot and just can't seem to care about anything or anyone. I am trying to love the other dogs but all I can do is feed them and make sure they have water. They are trying to give me cuddles and they know I am sad but all I want is you. I know you were so tired and I know you stayed with me as long as you could. Since you were a rescue and we didn't find each other until you were 12 years old, I feel cheated. I only got to give you a happy ending. Eight years together was just not enough. Know that I am still holding you as tight as I can in my heart. I will never let you go. You are my everything.
10/21/2017 - Hey my baby. It's been 2 wks. since I helped you make your way to the bridge. I still feel empty inside and cry a lot. I wish people would just leave me alone and let me grieve for you. Yesterday was hard. I thought of me kissing you on your little head saying "I can never get enough kisses!" I am still holding you tight my baby. You will always be my everything.
10/26/2017 - I said I would only write on Saturdays. At least here. I started an journal of our days together last week. I am having such a hard time remembering all the great things we did together. I guess my heart is so filled with grief. I miss you so much my dear baby. Last night all I wanted to do was be with you. I cried myself to sleep, holding your bed and some of your things I put in it. I have not moved it. It is still above my pillows where you always slept and we cuddled and gave you massages. Never gonna let you go Bee. Forever holding you tight my sweet poodle.
10/28/2017 - Cried myself to sleep holding your picture last night. It is 3 weeks today my baby. I don't know how I am going to last missing you like this day after day. You are my life. As I told you for so many years, "You are my everything".
11/7/2017 - One month. Still miss you so much. Still cry for you and nights are really hard without you. I keep telling myself you are in a better place now. You are full of energy, loving your food and doing all the things you did when you were younger. You are not hurting or lonely, it's only me that is. Just the one you had to leave behind. Until I see you again my baby, I will hold you tight. Please come in my dreams. Show me signs that you are near me. Know that when you left me, you took a huge part of my heart with you. I am with you Bee.
11/23/2017 - Oh my sweet Bee. The 1st holiday without you. Support group says that you power through and make small changes. I am doing that. I am cooking for Dad and Alex but here's a twist, Samantha is staying for dinner. She even helped me cook yesterday and we are going to play tennis this morning. She's not happy about not doing Christmas this year but I can't do Christmas and my birthday without you this year. I will do something but it will be changed. Dad and Alex are going on a trip so they won't even be here. I will celebrate my b-day and Christmas with you. I will have to think of something you and I would like. You and me, and that's the way it's suppose to Bee. Remember how I always said that to you? Well, it's not Happy Thanksgiving this year. Haven't said that to anyone. It's "Have a good Thanksgiving". I love you and miss you so much. I write in a journal of our memories together, sing your song to you, and say good nite to you every nite. I can't wait until I see you again. Life is so empty without you in my arms.
12/7/2017 - Two month and 19 mins. since you closed your eyes forever. I hope you can feel me Bee. Hold me in your heart until we are together again. Know that I think about my perfect poodle all the time. I miss you more and more as each day goes by. My sweet Bee, you were my world. I have the special candles burning, the ones I only light on your anniversary, I wore my necklace, bracelet and earrings that have your birthstone today at work. I wear them only on your anniversary. I am going to start wearing the cheaper things everyday. I am still not ready to touch things of yours. All your clothes are still in your dresser, your bowls and spoons are still in the cupboard. I have had oil paintings of you done since you have been gone. Everyone loves painting you. I have signed releases to allow them to post them on their web sites. It's hard to think every day that you are not with me. I still write in the journal. It helps. It's really the only thing that makes me feel like we are having one of our little talks. I miss our talks, kissing your little forehead, the massages 2 or 3 times a day. You loved your massages. I changed your residency. It's winter here now. I put up a Christmas tree for you at your residency. I won't be having Christmas here at home this year. Just can't without you. I am hanging a stocking for you, Lillie and Cindy. I hope the three of you have become close. Tell Lillie and Cindy I didn't forget about them. I am sure they know that and know that you were the Queen Bee. I love you sweetie.
12/31/2017 - I made it through Christmas, my birthday, and now I guess I am doing New Years. It's now 2038 hrs. Almost 2018. A new year without my Bee. I have been alone since the 24th. I sent Dad and Alex on a trip. They went to Canada to freeze their butts off. I couldn't do these holidays without you this year. I have been lighting a candle for you and your friends at the bridge and reading a poem every night. Please see my light and hear my words. I can't feel you in my heart, I don't dream about you. The only thing I feel is empty, lonely, pain, and your gone forever. I can't understand it either Bee?? You and me baby remember? Our bond was so tight it doesn't seem right that I can't feel you living in my heart, dreaming of you, seeing signs. Please come to me in your new way. I need this Bee. I hurt so much all the time. And the 7th is coming up, 3 months since you have been gone and I am so exhausted. Know that I love you, miss you so much and can't wait to be with you. Wait for me at the bridge baby. Mama needs Bee. Don't you ever leave your mama. Remember when I said that to you. I still mean that, I always will. Feel me holding you tight.
1/7/2018 - Long and heavy exhale sweet Bee. Right now it has been 3 long months since you have been gone. My God! It feels like a gut wrenching life time already. How will I ever make it day after day?? Please know that I miss you so much every day. I still cry but not as much, although I am crying now. I am so lonely without you. I did finally go to the grocery store by myself for the 1st time last week. Dad has been having to go or go with me. I guess that is some progress. Still so many things are the "1st" without you. So many of them still not ready to tackle. Mommy loves you big. I am sorry I had to let you go. Your wings were ready, my heart never. Wait for me Bee. The time will come when I will have my own wings and we can fly away together.