10/17/19: Oh my sweet, sweet baby boy Asia,,,,today I had to let you go and once again my heart is crushed. I miss you so much,,,and I'm so sorry you couldn't bounce back from this last battle. I don't think either of us were prepared or even knew this was coming, as you had been a miracle boy for the past two years after being diagnosed with hyperthyroidism. You lost so much weight, and we had struggles with the medication, but you bounced back, gained some weight back, and were playing and running and jumping and happy. You hated the medication but you were such a trooper and dealt with it. Then a few months ago you lost weight again and no matter what we tried, you weren't gaining it back. But you were still your happy self,,,jumping, playing, eating, and playing ambush with Gremlin :) Then out of nowhere a few days ago, you crashed---you would not eat and were very weak. You were still drinking, and I fed you with the syringe, but you were not doing well at all. We suspected end stage renal failure along with your hyperthyroid issues. I sat with you and spoke to you, and knew you were now suffering so badly and didn't want to fight, let alone have the strength to do so. I just couldn't make the decision to let you go on Wednesday, and sat with you through the night. But on Thursday morning, you were unresponsive, and I knew I had to do the hardest part of loving you,,,,letting you go and end your suffering. Oh Asia,,,it was so hard to do,,,and I hope you know that it was done because I love you so much,,,,and I have faith that when any of you have to leave, that you wake up in Heaven completely healed,,,even though I know you miss me as much as I miss you,,,but at least now you are not suffering any longer, and we will be together again someday. |
As you know, your brother Polo went to the bridge not long ago, and I hope he and Onyx met you there, and maybe your cousins Lucky and Comet too. If you've visited us yet, you know that your brother Gremlin is not doing well since you left----he misses you terribly and has been walking around in circles looking for you in all your hiding spots and outside in the pens. He also hasn't been eating well. No matter how I try to comfort him, he is still so depressed. So please,,if you can visit and comfort him, and let him know you're alright, it would really help him. Sometimes when he looks at me, I feel he blames me,,,and it breaks my heart all over again. Please let him know that it was something I had to do to help you, and that I love all of you with all my heart. And your mom is so sad also,,,just looking into my eyes as if to ask 'why',,,, please help her to understand as well. Oh Asia,,,,how much I miss you.
Asia, my sweet, sweet boy,,,,you will forever be in my heart, and I will love and miss you always.
During your service, I found out from the lady that you also had two tumors,,,oh how sad that made me, but also made me realize that no matter how hard me and you fought, we wouldn't have been able to keep you here, and also explained why you crashed so quickly. Cancer took my own dad very quickly, and it is a horrible disease. I'm so sorry that happened to you, and I can only pray you weren't in pain very long.
I brought you home and set up your memorial, and put on your candle. I asked God to protect and keep you and make you well again. I can only have faith that you are back to your old self, eating, playing, and running. And I hope Polo and Onyx are with you to comfort you. I love and miss you so much baby,,,,Love and Light,,,mommy XOXOXOXOXOX
If it should be that I grow frail and weak,
You will be sad, I understand,
I know that now my needs you'll tend,
Do not grieve that it must be you
Would you hold my hand, if I saw you in Heaven.
Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Beyond the door, there's peace I'm sure
Would you know my name, if I saw you in Heaven
'Cause I know I don't belong here in Heaven,,,,,,
10/22/19: Hi my baby boy,,,, I still see your face sitting on the shelf looking in the door at feeding time, and still hear your meows,,,, I hope you know how much I love you and always will. Your brother Gremlin is still a mess,,,so sad and lonely without you,,, please try to comfort him if you can. Although he has his mom with him, you were his playmate and he is missing you terribly, and I'm sure you miss him as well. Please tell him he needs to keep eating, as I'm so worried he's going to make himself sick, and as you know he's not easy to syringe feed. He loves you so much, and needs to know you are okay. I'm doing my best to comfort him, but it's you he needs right now. He had such a hard time when Polo left, but now all his brothers are gone, and you were his favorite playmate. So my heart breaks in many ways for many reasons,,,but I can only hope you are okay, and take some comfort knowing you are not suffering any longer. I love and miss you so much baby boy,,,,Love and light,,,,XOXOXOXOXOXOX
11/2/19: Oh Asia,,,how hard it's been since you had to go. I've been such a mess, with losing you and all of you so close together lately,,,it took the past 2 weeks to barely catch my breath. Each morning and night, I kept putting your dish out with the others at feeding time, and kept turning around to see if you were sitting on the shelf tapping at the door because I didn't hear your meow,,,oh how I miss that so, so much,,,how cute you were. I would also keep going to the drawer to get your meds,,,I just haven't had the heart to throw them out,,,,I so hope your brothers Polo and Onyx met you, and Lucky and Comet and all your cousins, and that you're all okay now. Your brother Gremlin has really taken this very, very hard,,,I know he was still grieving, as you were, from losing Polo, but you were his 'play tag' buddy and he's a wreck without you,,,sometimes not eating, and just keeps looking at me as if to say 'okay, when is he coming back?',,,it completely tears my heart out, as I have no way to explain to him why this happened. So please, come and comfort him when you're able and bring Polo too,,,he really needs you guys right now,,,,and so do I,,,, all you guys are my heart,,,and all of you were so good,,,and you know my favorite saying that I would tell you everyday---"you're all good eggs,,,and I have so many good eggs I have a great omelette"---I love you so much Asia, and miss you even more,,,,hope you are well again and know that I did my best,,,and I hope while you were with me you felt safe, secure, happy, and loved. Til I see you again,,,,,Love and Light baby boy,,,,XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXXXXX
11/23/19: Hi my sweet boy,,,I hope you're not missing me as much as I'm missing you, because boy does it hurt so much,,,, I want to hear you knocking on the slider door again, with your little face peeking around the corner,,and your sweet little meow. I can't stop thinking about what a fighter you were through the past few years, when at times I didn't even know how you were standing up,,,yet you'd be running and jumping up on the high cat poles, and playing 'ambush' with Gremlin,,, and as long as you seemed happy, I would continue the fight with you. In my heart I knew there would come that day,,,but for years you were doing so well, I wasn't prepared at all for how fast you crashed. I still torture myself wondering about all the what ifs,,,,but I have to realize that I was so lucky to have you for all the years that I did, and not focus on those horrible few days at the end. You gave me so many laughs and so much love, and I'm so grateful for that. I hope you've been visiting Gremmie, because he is still so lost,,,the look in his eyes breaks my heart,,,he misses you so, so much baby, and I'm sure you miss him too. Your mom also looks at me with questions in her eyes, as if she's asking 'where did all my boys go?" Her and Gremlin are now starting to sleep in the same areas together, and I do my best to comfort them, but I can't replace the loss they feel. So please come with Polo and visit them and let them know it's okay, and that I did everything I could to make you stay,,, I sometimes feel they blame me somehow, as how could they possibly understand,,,at least with people we can explain things,,,but with you guys we can't, and it hurts so badly. Please baby,,,know how much I miss you and how much I love you and always will. You are forever and ever in my heart. Love and Light my sweet boy,,,,XOXOXOXOXOXOXXX