January 5, 2016|
Alex I remember the first day I met you and your brother. It was so hard to choose between the two of you. We looked in each others eyes and I knew you were going to be my sweet pea and best friend ever. You were so scared of everything. You did not have the love and attention you should have had. You had some OCD issues that I believe you had from no hands on love.
2015 was not our best year. You were so sick that one weekend I was sure when you saw the doctor she was going to tell me you were dying. You were in such pain. You weren't afraid of the vet as I thought you would be. I was so proud of you. You don't take to strangers very easy. I think you knew they were going to help you. I was so happy to hear you only had an infected anal glad. You gave me a funny look when I appeared happy about it. I was so afraid you were going to Rainbow Bridge that day.
I don't have any proof but I believe it was the new flea meds that caused you to get so sick and to leave me. You were acting so strange. You never ever ignored me or not do what I asked you to do. You laid on the ground with your nose in the dirt. You were so week. you would drink a little water. Sometimes you would let out a cry and I knew you were in pain. Then you didn't. You laid there looking so helpless. I knew you needed to see the doctor. I didn't have any money. I will never forgive myself. I think you suffered and died because I had no money. I will never ever forgive myself. Rachael wasn't home to help me get you into Norman. I thought maybe if I got you there and they saw how sick you were and I explained I didn't have any money maybe they would help you and I could make payments. We camped out in the garage/craft room with you. I never wanted you to be scared and alone. I always promised you that when ever it was time for you to leave me I would take care of it. You would go to Rainbow Bridge to be with your great grandpa Jasper, Mattie and Cactus.
Late Thursday your gums were so white I knew what was coming next. But you ate some puppy can food. I went and got you more. A few bites at a time. Friday evening I decided we would get you into Norman somehow and go to an emergency room vet hospital. The short periods you laid on your left side and I cuddle up to you back. I loved you so much. I told you that you could not leave me. We needed to older together for at least a few years.
I decided to sleep on the couch you almost insisted. I checked your gums and they were so pink. I felt so excited. I told you a few more days and you will be good as new. I told you I would hear you if you needed me.
I woke up with a bad feeling and you were gone. I lost it. I was crying and screaming and hugging you and kissing you. Abbey was kind of lost. I cuddled with you for a long time. If I had not had Abbey I believe I would have commited suicide. I thought what a way to go. Cuddled up to my best friend. You were on your left side. I hope you just fell asleep. I hope you were not in pain. I hope you were not scared. I want to know and I can't or never will know. Did you cry out for me and I didn't hear you? I couldn't think of burying you. It took me two days to get up the nerve to do so. Not long after Jasper, Mattie and Cactus left me for Rainbow Bridge they visited me and showed me they were ok. You have not. I hope you are not made at me. Abbey thinks maybe you were scared to see me that it would make you sad. I feel like a failure. About a month ago Abbey sat on the couch with me on my left side where you use to lay. She was rubbing her head on my leg just like you use to. She has never done that before. I think you were sending me a message.
I love and miss you so much. My sponge bob dog.
March 9, 2016 Alex I love and miss you so much. I have not been able to come here until now. It is like it is really true. I am so sorry. I will never forgive myself. I got the best news last week. Our house is ours. I own it. No more fussing. I don't owe anything. I just couldn't not be where you guys are buried. Miss Abbey is really something. She misses you. It is fun to see her be a mamma to her stuffed animals. She needs a puppy. My head tells me a black and tan puppy but I am not too sure my heart agrees. I know I will never ever have another you. I hope you are not mad at me. I bet the three of you together feels right. Please give kisses from me. I love you Alex. I always will.