Nothing is shared now, |
the emptiness erased all words
Midsummer has been having special meaning since ancient times. In many countries bonfires are still lit and people are celebrating life as a reminder that everything on this earth is with reason and only temporary. On this longest day, light triumphs for a while, and yet at the same time it already begins its decline into the darkness, warning us we should never forget how precious each hour, each day, each season and each living being is. This day is also symbolic of the light of our consciousness shining more brightly in our awareness as if God would want to remind us that far too many of His gifts are not appreciated enough, but simply taken for granted.
You were God’s gift to many of us, Charlie, and certainly you were a God’ gift to me, especially this past year.I will never know why He decided to take you Home on this Midsummer Day. It could be just coincidence and yet it could be not. So I am not speaking to your other friends here, but to you only, because only you and I know how close we were, what a special friendship we shared. Did I take you too much for granted, Charlie? Did I subconsciously think that nothing bad could possibly happen to you, that you would be always there for me? As far as I know I am the only one who knew how sick you were, how badly you felt. I did try to make you see the doctor, but should I have insisted more? I know I should, and no one can convince me the other way. You would have objected, tried to calm me down, but knowing me so well how persistent I can be, in the end you would give up, if only to get rid of my pressing on you. But when you told me you were already feeling better I was relieved and I simply chose to believe you. I thought what could possibly happen to you, you were a nurse, you knew better, besides nowadays people don’t die just because of heartburn and indigestion, at least I thought this was what it was about. Chest pains? Why didn’t I connect them with alarming heart failure symptoms? After you told me a few weeks earlier your brother had suffered heart-attack and how happy you were he was saved. Then I got another mail from you and saw you were already laughing using those lololol’s and talking about games, so I decided to give you some time and to check on you later.
But there was no time left, was it Charlie? A day after you died from heart attack. So perhaps I did take you for granted. I know you would want me to stop blaming myself, I can hear your words - it was meant so and neither of us could have changed anything. It was God’s will. If it was God’s will, then why, why now. Why so sudden, why, when we finally succeeded in getting rid of your emotional baggage, when we chased most of your doubts and fears away. Why now, when you were ready to make it up with anyone you might have unintentionally hurt. You proved you were capable to overcome anger, frustration, and eventual complex, you showed you were ready to forgive, you were ready to forget. And I was so proud of you, and I still am.
I believe that through Caleb God finally felt your indescribable sorrow and that it was why he sent you Jasper. It was hard at first, you were terrified you might get
Charlie, everyone who was blessed with your friendship recognized your values, moral and ethics. Each single person loved you, respected you, we all found you very special, an earth angel sent to us by God. I told you that many times but you were too modest, I could feel you even got embarrassed, but I do hope that deep inside you knew I was talking the truth.
Every day, somebody loses someone they deeply care about. I am no stranger to death, I have lost many people dear to my heart and most painful of all, I have lost my greatest love, my dog, my Puck. I really thought nothing could affect me deeply anymore. But I was wrong. When I heard the sad news that you passed away, I felt like a light had just gone out of my life. I sat in stunned silence for a very long time,I was completely overwhelmed and in shock. To this hour I still can’t believe you are gone. I still expect chat window would pop up any minute and you would scare me with your Boooo!!! And I would scold you pretending to be angry and then we would laugh and laugh and talk, sometimes for hours. There was not a topic that we wouldn’t touch, you and I were both eager for more knowledge, we both wanted to broaden our minds.
Oh how I will miss these talks, how I will miss sharing sweet memories of Caleb and Puck, how I will miss you being always there for me, always sensing when I was completely down when dealing with another animal abuse, how I will miss your wonderful stories, your poems, your inspiration.
Tomorrow this time it will be two weeks since we last talked in chat. How could we know there was someone already hiding and praying in the dark, a black monster waiting to strike, to take you away from your family, your friends, from me and what you feared most, from Jasper.
Charlie, many say Caleb was standing right there, hardly waiting to see his Daddy again. But they forget there was someone else at the end of the tunnel too. And when she saw her beloved son coming, she opened her arms and said – Come, you are home now, we have all the time for ourselves only.
These are not my farewell words to you, Charlie. I just wanted to tell you how you graced my life. There is an empty spot that no one can fill. It belongs to you only.
You are terribly missed, my friend.
Charlie’s memorial page is Ginny’s gift to me and to all RB family. Everyone is welcome to visit him, share his memories, pay him respect. I only ask you not to make comments on the first part of my tribute. It is between Charlie and me only.
May God bless you all.
Today a month has passed since you departed headed for unknown. Your life was cut short when you still had so many hopes and dreams, when you were still looking for so many answers. Then just in a minute all your hopes were lost, all your dreams shattered, so many wishes unfulfilled. For me it is still too early to live with memories, each moment without your friendships drags on into infinity. Where are you now my friend? Do you fly with the eagles and soar on the wind like you told me you always wished. So in my mind I see you somewhere beyond the mountains, high above the skies, where your favourite bird soars free, where sunshine fills your every moment and where there are no tomorrows, where pain and sorrow cease. Spread your wings, Charlie, and soar, fly and see the world through eagle’s eye and I may feel better imagining your wondrous sprit circling above us all, a symbol of remembrance, a symbol of our continuing guiding light. And one day when I look up to the sky I might get a chance to say to you goodbye, but not now, not yet. Miss you, my dear dear friend:)
11/10/1954 - 11/10/2010
Lelja, his friend, RB family and everyone who cared for him