Crixus loved people so much and was so loved by everyone who met him. Whenever someone walked through the door he was all over them dancing, squalling, wagging tail, howling, smiling, showering with kisses. He was my treasure. I don't know why I was the one to be blessed with someone so precious, but I was doing everything I could to be worthy of him. He was my little protector, my confidant, my lil' therapist, I've shed an ocean of tears on his chest over the years. My shadow, always right behind me watching what I was going. My couch partner, my peanut butter snatcher, my rotisserie chicken chaser, my bed hog. He had always kept it together for me, nothing would phase him, so strong and laid back. Even on his last day, as sick as he was, he got up, came up to me, wagged tail so slightly, like he wanted to say 'look, look mommy, I am standing, I am ok, don't cry'....and I fell apart...seeing me cry was harder for him than his own misery. Like he was feeling guilty for letting me down, for being ill...even in his sickest, he was still trying to be my rock, he was the one comforting me. My gorgeous angel died just as strong and quiet as he lived, all that pain and not even a moan...just sad, sad eyes and exhausted look. There is never going to be another Crixus and my heart will bleed for him forever.

10/29/22
How are you today, my beautiful boy? It's been 100 days and I am not doing so hot. I cry every day, I can't sleep, I barely eat. I know it's not what you want to hear, but I can't help it, I miss you like crazy...100 days without you after 10 years with you, I wish you knew how excruciating this is. I haven't stepped out on the patio since you left, it was and still is your patio. Have you met any new friends? I hope you are not lonely there, I know how disorienting a new place can be. Rushing home to you was one thing that was making sense in this crazy world. Long grocery store lines and traffic were making me so angry because I knew you were waiting for me. I never wanted you to be without me for too long. And as soon as I could see your smiling face by the door - life was good again. What I would give now to watch one more movie with you on the couch. Holding you and feeling your heartbeat with my hand was all I needed to fall asleep. I so wanted to fix you, I was spinning. If I could give you my kidney, my liver, my lung, my blood, I would. I would've taken you to another city, country, you and I would've been on plane in minutes had I known they could cure you, but they kept saying there was no cure, and it was killing me. Whenever they had to drain fluid out of your warm belly, over and over again, they were slicing my heart. Every day I keep shuffling through your ultrasound/surgery/Echocardiogram/X-ray reports, blood tests, doctors notes, I go line by line to see if I, or they, have missed something. You saved my life twice and I couldn't save yours....Not seeing your face going to sleep or waking up hurts so much my heart skips beats. I just want to be with you...