9/3/2018
I miss you so much today. Everywhere I go and everything I do, I see your sweet face. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you from cancer. I didn't see that one coming. It was my job to keep you safe from harm but I couldn't stop that one and I am so sorry. I wish I knew that you were safe now, and happy, and pain free. I hope you are making lots of friends at the bridge.
Love you so much, Mom

9/15/2018
Hi Miss Penny,
I have been missing you terribly. I think being upset last weekend over missing you got me sick. I got a cold during the week and I'm still recovering. I can't get upset from now on - I can be sad but not devastated because I get physically sick from that. I'll try to remember. I hope you are doing well. My little fur-angel. Please come visit me in my dreams. I want to see you. Charlie misses you and he says he is sorry for always trying to con you out of food. My sweet girl, you always pretended not to notice.
Love always, your forever Mom.

9/19/2018
Hi Penny,
My sweet, little beautiful girl. There are times when I am suddenly struck with grief and loss over you and today was one of them. I see you in my mind's eye and have been since we said goodbye. But lately, you are always farther away. Do I need to let you go so that you can go to your new home? I would do anything for you, even let you go. But I need time. As I see you farther and farther away, I feel myself crying out that I don't want you to go, please don't go. Please stay with me, I'm just not ready. I don't know when I will be. I don't know if I ever will be. Maybe God will tell me that I need to let go in order for you to go to your new home. I don't know if that's truth or not....God doesn't tell me crap. I've asked. I've demanded. To know why and what and how.
If my not letting you go is keeping you, Mom is sorry, she just doesn't understand. You're my sweet girl and I know all you want is for mommy to be ok. I love you so much and I miss you terribly. You're my good, GOOD girl.
Love, your forever Mom

10/9/2018
Hi Sweet Girl,
It's been 8 weeks and I'm not sure it's getting easier for me. I was hoping that when enough time went by, I would be handling this better. But I still miss you every day. I'm still not on good terms with God. My sponsor tells me that when good things happen, we credit God. When bad things happen, those are things that just happen. HUH? Mom doesn't get it but she wants to. I miss you, your goodness, your simple sweet kindness. I hope you are in a good place now and I hope so much that I can see you again some day.
I love you much - your forever Mom

11/7/2018
Today I just miss you. I so wish you were here with me. It doesn't seem right that you are not here. I'm so sorry that I couldn't protect you from illness. I hope you are free from it now. I just miss you.
I love you so much, your forever Mom.

12/5/2018
Hi little girl,
I just wanted to let you know I love you and I miss you. It's been almost 4 months since we said goodbye. The goodbye hurt so much but I hoped I was doing the right thing for you. I hope you are happy and pain-free now. I want you to be running joyously and happily. I will see you again some day, I hope for that. You're my good, good girl and I love you so much.
Love, your forever Mom

12/17/2018
Hi Sweet Girl. I continue to miss you and I hurt still so much. I haven't seen you in my dreams and I wonder if that is because I haven't accepted losing you. I don't. It's wrong that a young, healthy dog should get so suddenly sick like that, I don't accept it. You survived a rattle snake bit and that meant to me that you were invincible. It's been 4 months and 3 days. I did a dumb thing. About 2 weeks after we said goodbye, I got another dog. I was desperate to get you back on some way. She's ok, and I will do my best to care for her. But she's not you. I hope you are somewhere good now, alive in some way, free of pain, having fun and running and playing. I hope there are good people there - people were your favorite things in the world, more than food...the time you spotted me with some other people in the far end of the yard and you came bounding out to see us. it warmed everyone's heart, we all couldn't help but smile back at you. I want you to be around more good people that you can greet so happily. I hope more than anything that I can see you again some day.
Love, your forever Mom

12/18/2018
I was in traffic today and was behind a car that had a pet-friendly license plate. The kind you pay extra for to show you care about pets. The license plate read "4Penny". I don't know if that is a sign from God or not, but I will take it. Something is for Penny. Something good. Ok. This evening I have been looking at old pictures - from when we took pictures from an actual camera and had them printed at a photo shop. I went through them sorting by pictures of just you, you and Charlie, and you with others. I surely miss you my little girl - you will always be my little girl.
Love, Mom

1/17/2020
Hello sweet girl,
I stopped in to read the posts that I have written over the months. Things aren't great with me. I drink to blot out the pain (still). But I move on, one step at a time. I had a dream about you a few nights ago. We were reunited and you were so happy and you danced around, but your color was all changie weird, lots of different shades of dark and light. But it was you and I was happy to see you. The other day, Nana was sleeping and she made this weird grunting noise like Charlie would do when he was sleeping and it made me think of him. You and Charlie are my family. Now, in this world, I have none. I'm all alone and I'm sorry that that's a bunch of whiney nonsense. It is what it is.
I love you so much. Mom

1/29/2020
This is interesting. I ran out of amlodapine, my blood pressure medicine. I'm supposed to go to my doctor and get a checkup but of course I have dragged my feet on that. You know how mom is. But I noticed that I have that exact same pill for you, in those last days. The same milligrams and type, everything. So I am taking the same pill that I couldn't give to you because you were at the end. What an irony. And now I am taking the pill that was meant for you. So I guess you are saving my life. What do I think of that? Maybe that you are amazing in so many ways. You were in my dreams last night but I can't remember if it was a good dream or not. I have a sad feeling about it so I guess it was a sad dream. But I am happy that you were there at all.
I love you so much. I can't wait to see you again. Mom.

2/26/2020
Changes are afoot. I'm moving back to an apartment just like the one I had when you two, my babies were with me.
It's good because your mom can't take care of the current place. It's bad because I am so stressed out. The badness *should* end in 3 weeks. I just miss you so much. It's like it was yesterday. Still. I just want to be with you again. My beautiful, sweet girl. I watch ID a lot and it always has people that have lost someone they love and the pain they are going through. I just think "I know", because I identify with the loss. The loss they have involves a human but I identify with it with you. They might think that is not the same. But it is. Eff them. It's THE SAME. I love you and still can't bare the pain. I want you here with me. Painfully so.
I love you. Please be there when I get there.
Mom

3/19/2020
Hello my beautiful sweet one,
I miss you so much. There are times when I imagine you are there, looking up at me, and it warms my heart.
Things on earth are really crazy right now. People are living in fear of coronavirus, even though only the tiniest fraction of people have died from it. My little ones would be oblivious to it, only being happy if mom is happy. It should be that way for all of us. I've moved into my new apartment and it's amazing to be free of responsibility of home ownership. What comes next I do not know. It's day by day. I don't know what the grocery store will be like when I go there tomorrow. My drinking is super terrible. I try to limit the number of ounces I drink but I always find a reason, what I think is a SOLID reason, to drink a little more. I'm supposed to take less and less each day until I get to a safe amount to stop entirely. But it doesn't work. If only it did. So the other option is to go into a 7 day treatment facility. How do I take a week off from work? What do I do with Nana? It is important but seems impossible when I get right down to doing that.
I miss my little girl and my little boy.
I'm counting on seeing you again.
X's and O's to both of you.
Mom

3/23/2020
Hi beautiful! Your mom was officially rattled 2 nights ago about coronavirus. I guess I still am but maybe a little more calm about it. The world is getting crazy and I'm jealous of all creatures that are oblivious to it. Love you and hoping to see you again, I just really, really do.
Mom

4/25/2020
Hi sweet girl. I'm sorry for not have written anything in 1 month and 2 days. Mom doesn't like to be alone with her thoughts. The world is still in crazy-mode with coronavirus. We're all working from home. There is nary a sign of toilet paper to be found. Lots of people are wearing masks outdoors. Businesses are allowing only a certain number of people in their stores. Only people that are very, very sick get tested making the numbers very scary - 3% die. But likely many, MANY, more are infected and have no or only mild results but who cares about that - we don't get dramatic headlines from that. Mom is bitter. But you would just love me anyway. I tried to take a nap today but ended up crying because "I was alone with my thoughts" and that is never good, ended up crying because I miss you so much. The only thing I want is to be with you and Charlie. Then I would be happy. Please be there when I get there. I'm also not getting along so great with me-me. Not sure what to do about that. I wonder if it's me?
I love you!
Mom

6/10/2020
Has it really been 1.5 months since I wrote to you? It can't be because you are always in my thoughts. Some days I am teary all day because I'm thinking of you. Today I walked my laps around my apartment complex. At moments, I could see you looking up at me. Were you there? It seemed like it and it hurt. I just thought how I wish you had taken me with you. I have a video of you but it was when you were so sick, I took it so I could show the vet how you were doing. It makes me so so sad so I don't look at it, maybe once a year I do. I could shoot myself for not taking videos of you and Charlie "when we were young, and full of life and full of fun". I have still photos of you two playing in the grass. We worried about Charlie hurting you because you were so small. But Charlie just wanted to play and you did too.
I miss you so much. I hope the next life is real and I get to be home with you.
Mom

6/24/2020
Major meltdown for your mom tonight. I re-read the texts I sent to Angel-Vet for you. I couldn't speak to her on the phone. I had to text.
Mom is not doing so well. I just hope there is some way, some how that I get to hold you in my arms again.
I love you so much,
Mom

6/25/2020
Mom is super not doing so well tonight. I noticed today that my left foot is swollen. That can only mean something super terrible, or maybe it's because I work all day sitting on the foot and I'm so old that it takes forever for that foot to recover from the loss of circulation. I don't know wtf is happening now, I have always been so young and healthy. This is not good. Maybe I'll be joining you soon. I hope so kind of? I've had a good life and I kind of want to go home now. Does that suck? It feels wrong to say but it's what I'm thinking.
I love you sweet girl, I think of you every day.
Mom

7/19/2020
Hello my sweet girl. I have been walking in the morning. I often think of you during this time. I imagine you are walking with me. Actually you are always running because you loved doing that. I see you running and playing and enjoying everything you see and smell. It's been almost 2 years. It's almost time for me to get balloons to release to you with messages of my love for you. I miss you so, so much. When it is time for me to cross the brief divide, you'll rush across to greet me and we'll stand side by side. I'll be patient and live my journey out and when it is time, I'll come home to be with you.
I love you sweet girl. I can't wait to hold you in my arms again.
Mom

8/14/2020
Hello my sweet beautiful one. Did you see the balloons your mama set free for you? I put notes on them about how I love you and that you are my good, good, girl. Today was a very hot day, surface of the sun day, and I couldn't stand it - no living animal or plant could - but I got out there. 2 balloons popped, the orange ones, probably due to the heat. But I got the 2 yellow ones released and watched them until they were tiny, tiny dots. The last balloon, I let go, and watched you leave me, wishing so much you would stay. But it left and I watched it as long as I could. It nearly disappeared into the clouds. It was a tiny dot but mom had to get back to A/C, it's just too hot in this hellish place I live in (not much longer, praise God).
I love you so, so much. I just can't wait to see you again. Anytime now, I'm ready. Feel like finding a nursing home so I can get covid. So ready. And I'm sorry. It's how I feel.

8/16/2020
Hello my beautiful, good girl. Today I let go 4 red balloons for Charlie. Did you and Charlie see them? They had my love in them just for Charlie, my perfect boy. My beautiful sweet boy, mama loves you - more than anything in this world, you are mama's boy, and she love you so, so much. I would smother you with kisses if I could and you would growl and tell mama you're not a baby and to stop it. But mommy would do it anyway.
I love you both so much.
Mom

9/4/2020
My little girl,
I miss my little boy and my little girl. I would do anything for you two, my babies. Anything. I am hanging in there. Covid is still very much a thing. My company has everyone working from home although a few will return to the office next week if our state stays in yellow. It may or may not. School started and no one is wearing a mask, and the numbers are going up. I am waiting for the world's longest summer to end, this has been the worst that I can remember since being here. I think God is trying to kill me.
27 days until October. Patience.
I bought another ring that I wear forever, it says "always by my side", on the same finger as the rings with yours and Charlie's name and birth stones. I wish those messages would bring you back to me. I just miss you so much. Thank you for being so good to Charlie. You are such a sweet little girl, I could hold you forever.
I miss you, so much love, I can't wait to see you again
Mom

12 days until October. I miss you every single day. I miss my little ones every day and night.
XOXOXOXO Can't wait to hold you again. You are my everything. Always your mom and you are mine. Always by my side, my little boy and my little girl, my beautiful, perfect ones.

9/27/20
I wish you were here. I feel so bad sometimes thinking about the last days. I would have done literally anything to make you well again. I just hope you are happy and pain free now and running and playing with Charlie. You two are my family and I miss my family. I love you so much!!! Mom

10/8/20
I don't think I have ever needed you as much as I need you tonight. The world is crushing me this day. Will you please come see me in my dreams. I walk in the mornings and that is my quiet time, I'm actually sober then, and I simply miss you. I sigh. I change out of my walking clothes. I get to work. But the underlying feeling is that I miss you. Please visit me in my dreams. Or any other time. I love you so much.
Mom.

10/31/20
Tonight is Halloween. I put candy out but I have no idea if any kids are out. I think covid changed everything. Halloween makes me miss the days when I had my little boy and my little girl. I dressed you up in an adorable little pink bunny suit. You were such a good sport about it. And Charlie attacked you, of course, because, why, he's a boy, I guess. Thank you for being so sweet. I so much love you.
Mom

11/29/20
I watched Ghost last night. That movie is cathartic for me. I cried bitterly at the end, saying I just want to see my babies. Over and over, just that. Let me see my babies. God does what God always does and says eff you. All the beings in the world that just want to see their babies and God says eff you. Every time without fail, eff you. It does make one skeptical about a life hereafter. And that is that.
I love you my beautiful little girl and my beautiful boy. I am yours and you are mine. Always by my side.
Love, Mom.

12/14/20
I love you and I miss you. Angel Vet left for me your paw prints in femo clay. I hold them at night sometimes because they bring you near me, there is power in them. I love you, my sweet ones.

1/11/21
Hello my sweet little girl,
This morning I noticed that I was missing the ring on my hand with your birthstone. This just cannot be. I looked everywhere. Nope, this is not ok. Maybe it fell off while I was on one of my long walks. Maybe it went down the shower drain. I don't know, I just know that I must have it. I ordered a duplicate. It will probably take a month to get here but it will have to be ok. I must have you near me, any way that is possible. All ways to make that happen. Changes are afoot. Big changes for mommy. Gotta get out of here and somewhere I can actually.........live?
I love you so much. Every night now for a while, I can't remember when I started, I hold your paw prints close to my heart.
I can't wait to see you again.
I love you and Charlie so much. Mom.

1/17/2021, updated 2/4/21
I found your ring in the most unlikeliest of places - in the refrigerator. It must has fallen off as I was rearranging things. Your mom. Definitely losing it. But I don't care, I have your ring. And a replacement is on the way. I will love that one too.

We're torn, torn, torn apart, there is nothing we can do. Just let me go, we'll meet again soon. I'm still walking in the morning and this is one of my songs. I picture you disappearing "you're gone, gone, gone away, I watched you disappear, all that's left is the ghost of you" (and I see it, I watched as you faded and all that was left was your ghost). Wait, wait, wait for me, please stay around, I'll see you when I fall asleep. I imagine you jumping all over me with kisses telling me don't be sad, mommy, all is well, "We'll meet again soon". Big sigh. Would I be comforted if I knew we would meet again soon. I pondered this and the answer is yes, I would. Please be there.

I love you so much.
Mom

2/13/2021
Just let me go, we'll meet again soon.
I love you sweet girl.
Mom

2/24/2021
On my walk this morning - which I realized I was addicted to - ear phones on with my music - "just let me go, we'll meet again soon" - I cried sort of awfully, actually sobbed, and I tried to hide it from cars passing by.
I just love you my sweet, perfect girl.
You're in my heart and I love you
Mom

3/7/2021
I never told you thank you for holding on while I was attending my father's funeral. I had no choice, I had to go. After flying back, I screamed out of the airport like a bat out of hell and raced home to see you. You could barely wag your tail. I was grateful to be able to spend one more day with you. Thank you for holding on, it must have been hell. I love you so much. I don't know if I will ever get over not having you here with me.
Mom

3/28/2021
On my walks in the morning, I recently started noticing all the yellow in the landscaping. A yellow flower. A tree with lots of small yellow pom-poms - I found out it is a Sweet Acacia. They are stunning. Whenever I see these things, I think "here's Penny". Your color to me is yellow because yellow is love. You are love. Pure love. You are the sweetest, most kind spirit I have ever known.
I love you so much my beautiful, good girl.
Mom

4/15/2021
I picked up some pods that I think were from these Sweet Acacia. I cracked the pods open, found little seeds and put them into near boiling water (sounds crazy but that's what google told me to do), then put them into a
container with wet paper towels so I could monitor and in a few days they were germinating. I then transported them into potting soil and am watching them closely. I'm hoping that I don't kill them with love (over-watering). I just want one of these beautiful things that will bloom yellow pom-poms that are you, my sweet girl, your color, It's you. Life. Blooming. Your color. And life.
I love you so much.
Mom

4/26/2021
I had a dream last night, at least I think I did - it was nothing more than an image. I saw Charlie but not directly, just his image as if I was seeing him as a reflection in a window. I wish I could remember more.
I love both of you - my two babies, my forever family.
Mom

5/19/2021
Hello beautiful girl,
I'm sorry it has been so long since I have written. A few things are happening. I got the second dose of the covid vaccine in early April. I was pretty sick the next day but very happy to have received the vaccine. I quit drinking 9 days ago. Now I'm just depressed that I don't even have alcohol anymore. Maybe you can show me how to be happy for the little things like you always were. The sweet acacia seeds have sprouted and are growing a few leaves. I transported a few to a bigger pot. When they get over the shock of being moved, I'll give them some fish fertilizer (gross). I miss you every day. I love to see yellow flowers, your color - pure love.
Mom

6/19/2021
A few weeks ago, I was thinking about the book I read about signs from our pets in the afterlife. There was a chapter about animals and how they visit us as a sign. I was on my morning walk when I thought of this and I said, ok put a bird in my path. Which is silly because of course there is a bird in my path every day. However, I slowly started noticing birds so much more. And every time, I think this is Penny telling me hello.
This morning there was a dove at my patio door. She was looking in at me. She had this look of pure, trusting innocence. Her expression looked so much like yours. I said hello back to my beautiful sweet girl. I don't know if that was you but if it was, thank you for visiting me. I miss you so much. The other night I had a dream with Charlie in it. I knew I had to give him insulin but I didn't have a syringe or I couldn't remember how to give him insulin. So I put some of it down for him to lick (it was a dream, ok?). He looked happy in that dream.
More changes are afoot for your mom. I quit drinking a little more than a month ago. I'm working my plan to get out of this area. It's all good. It's all very, very good.
Covid is basically over in this country. Sort of. The vaccine is now available to anyone who wants it, any time they want it. There is a huge percentage that don't want it. I expected a few that would refuse it but the number is like 40% or more. The country has dropped the mask mandate for the most part. People don't have to get this thing if they don't want to and now the ball is in their court.
I love you sweet girl.
Mom

7/25/2021
Hello my beautiful little sweet girl. I am so sorry I haven't written in so long. I have been quilting.
I had lost interest in that and then gained it back recently. Which meant that I wasn't on my computer. I would be working on my sewing and thinking of you and of posting, but it slipped away because I was sewing.
I love you so much my perfect beautiful little girl
Mom

8/14/2021
Today is 3 years. I don't want to think about that day 3 years ago. It just hurts too much. I hope you are there and happy. I hope you are running around and playing with other dogs, being picked up when you get tired, and just loved. I love you sweet girl. And I miss you terribly. I miss Charlie too. I hope you two are together. You used to sit on him in a way with a back leg over his back end. It was like you had your arm around him. I love you two.
Mom

8/16/2021
Two years ago today, I said good-bye to Charlie. I hoped it was the right thing to do. Much of it was Nana. She attacked him and he could not withstand it because he was so frail. I didn't know how to love each one and keep them separate at the same time. It was just a god-awful situation. I love you my sweet boy. You were always my beautiful little boy. I fell in love the moment I picked you up when you were in the crate, at the very first visit. I don't know how we got there, or who they were, the person we met to see you. You were the only puppy they had left. I just knew I loved you. I picked you up and held you and from that moment on, you were my little boy. I was purely in love. No matter what you did after that, I loved you. It was pure love.

9/12/2021
I so wish you were here with me right now. I simply miss you. You are my sweet and beautiful little girl. I think back to the time when I first met you. You were brought in by a very young couple that had a huge dog, I can't remember the breed, maybe a great dane, but she was huge. And you were so small. They were afraid the big dog would hurt you so they wanted to give you away. I was unsure. You were so small, so tiny, I thought what am I doing here. But the transaction happened and here I was with you, taking you home. There was immediate concern that Charlie would hurt you because you were so, so, so small. But the two of you just played and played and played and played. I bought a little plastic pool for you because of the god-awful heat. I think you went in it because you came back in all wet. The creep left and I had my two babies with me. You both came to bed with me and you always scanned your eyes at Charlie, to see if he got my attention or you did. Do you know I loved you so much. I loved Charlie too. But my love for you was infinite. I would do anything for you. Anything. Please be there when I leave this world.
Love,
Mom

9/26/2021
I watched a movie today that was not so great, typical slice of life blandness about a couple dealing with losing a baby due to SIDS. It left me with this thought: I don't want to live in a world that doesn't have my two babies in it. I just don't. What is mommy to do. Question mark. I hade a dream the other night in which you appeared. It was a yuck dream. Everything was sticky like velcro and the skin pulled when you tried to get out. You were there but you were stuck to this stuff. I tried to get you out of it. So yes you were there, and I'm grateful to have seen you, but you were being hurt so it wasn't so great. I love my sweet girl.
Mom

11/3/2021
Hello my sweet girl. I am so sorry I haven't written in so long. I am doing ok-ish. I need to leave my current place but have non-stop worries about how to accomplish that. Nana is still with me although we struggle. She gets the best care that I can offer because she deserves that. I miss you and Charlie so much. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX. Mom

Hi Sweet Pea,
I had a dream last night and of course I don't remember most of it. But I do remember the briefest part in which Charlie was coming toward me and he was holding one paw up as if it was hurting him. All I wanted to do was to comfort him, see what was wrong, fix his boo-boo paw. It hurts how much I miss the both of you. I love you both so much. I'm yours and you are mine. I can't wait to see you again.
Mom

12/14/2021
I wonder, thinking back, did I make you suffer more hours than you should have. I told the Angel Vet that 12pm was too soon. I told her her 2pm instead. I needed those 2 more hours with you. Did I hurt you by doing that? I can't stand the thought of you hurting. But I was also in limbo myself. I wanted to hold you and make your pain disappear. I was confused and unknowing what to do. If only I could have held you in my arms and make the pain go away. My beautiful perfect girl, I would have done ANYTHING to make your pain go away. Literally, anything. I can't wait to see you again. If there is a god that is loving, that will happen. I love you so, so, so much. Please let it be that I can see you and Charlie again, never to be separated. This is my picture of love and I could hold it forever, my two beautiful babies.
Mom

12/18/2021
You have been on my mind a lot the last few days. I think about you a lot but so much more this week. It could be because I have started taking a medication that makes me feel nauseous. And it reminds me how sick you were in my days with you. It's really, really hard for me to think about that. I can't even read the first post I wrote here. It just hurts too much still. I don't know if I will ever stop crying.
I love you so much.
Mom

1/21/2022
It's a new year. The country is more polarized than ever. There is a side that is doing anything and everything to destroy democracy. It's already happened actually. I don't know what my future holds but I'm pretty sure it involves me pushing a shopping cart screaming "get away from my stuff". I hope it ends soon and I can be back with you. I have been thinking back to August, 2018. I was required to go to Portland for the dead-beat's funeral. You, my sweet girl, were in your last few days because of a horrible cancer. God timed it so perfectly.
I was required to go to Portland. I was given this choice: would you rather attend your dead-beat father's
obligatory attendance of a funeral many states way or stay with the beloved dog, in her last few days, one that means far more to me. (obviously I chose the former because otherwise, what kind of monster am I).
In hindsight, 3.5 years later, I would have told "the correct view" to go f-itself. I would choose to have as many hours or minutes as possible with my beautiful girl. And dealt with the fallout. Which doesn't matter and would have faded. If only I had done that. If only. I wish that I had had just a few more minutes with my perfect, sweeet, loving little girl. I just can't wait to see you again.
I love you sweet girl.
Mom

2/26/2022
I woke up the other day with some epiphanies. One of which is that losing you (I hope only temporarily) had a profound effect on me. I am not the same person as I was during the summer of 2018. The post-2018 version is much, much sadder and I don't know how to fix that.
I love you so much and I think about you all the time. I don't know what to do with this pain. The only glimmer of hope is that I can be with you again some day.
Mom.

3/22/2022
I had a dream last night, most of which I don't remember. But I have a vivid memory of seeing Charlie. We had been apart for a very long time but then we came to meet. He was much more frail than even at our last togetherness in this world. So much more gray and so much more frail. He at first bared his teeth at me, because he does that, he is fierce. At first he thought I was an enemy. But then he recognized me and he cried and wagged his tail and breathed hard (in his state, that was the only option). That dream made an indelible mark on me today. We were reunited. It was so comforting.
I miss you both so much. I can't wait to see you again when I can hold you in my arms.
Love Mom

4/15/22
Hello my sweet girl. Changes are afoot. I can't explain much here but we can say that changes are coming. I'm not so happy about it, it's been forced on me, and it may be due to a force that I voted for and wished I hadn't. So there's that. Very often, I just sit here in complete sadness and that is my fault - I should not be in such a state because I have many things to be grateful for. But the truth is that when I lost you and then Charlie, I lost faith in the world - I lost my babies, I have nothing now. That's pretty sad, isn't it. I guess I hope that no one is reading this :)
I love you so much,
Mom

5/15/2022
Hi sweet girl,
I have relocated. The new place is not as nice as the previous place but I was forced out, because people are what they are. But I may soon be moving to a place that will suit me. It will be good for me. Better for me if I had my babies with me. I love you so much.
Mom

6/2/2022
Hello my beautiful girl. Things are in turmoil here. I'm basically living out of a suitcase and I hate my life. Haha. But I love you. Life has never been the same since I had my two babies with me.
I love you and I hope you are well.
Mom

7/4/2022
Hi sweet girl,
today is the fourth of July. There was a time in a few houses ago that Charlie was so afraid of the fireworks that he hid under a dining room chair and I think peed. All I wanted to do was hold him and tell him mama's here and you are safe. I don't think I have ever been in love as much as I was with the two of you. I am in a different city now, a much high altitude and I am grateful for that. It's not as hot here. I actually went to a hiking trail today. In July. Isn't that the craziest thing. But I was weak, so weak. My days are nearly over and I can't wait to see you. I miss you so much.
All my love,
Mom

8/9/2022
Thank you for visiting me last night. It was a brief moment, and you weren't all there (your nose and eyes were dim) but it WAS you - my perfect, beautiful, wonderful girl. I was overjoyed to see you and you leaped into my arms. It was magical.

I could not have been happier. I had my perfect, sweet girl. It was perfect.

It made my day. It made my year. The only thing I would ask of god, or the universe, is that the moment had lasted more than a moment. But I will take a moment if that is all I get. I will take that anytime, anywhere. I love you so much and I can't wait to see you again.
Mom

8/14/2022
Today is 4 years. I would remember the day you came into my life. Never was there a sweeter soul than yours. I love you so much. Please come visit me in my dreams. The dream I did remember, it made me so happy. I hope you and Charlie are together and playing like you did as puppies. And resting together, with you licking his ear.
Love Mom

8/30/2022
I watched a netflix series the other day called Surviving Death. There was some talk about our departed loved ones sending animals in our path to get our attention. Most of me thinks this is nonsense. But it did make my think about the time that was shortly after we said good-bye (saying that hurts me). There was a bird outside my window making a bird noise. A hoo-ing or chirping, I don't know what. But the sound was like the sound you made when you wanted mommy to pick you up. In the last few days, I have wondered if that bird was actually you telling me that you were outside and I should come see you. And I didn't. I just stayed at my desk working. If that was you, I am so very sorry I didn't acknowledge you. If it was you, and I didn't respond, did you give up? Please don't give up. Please come back to me, I just didn't know. For all of these last 4 years, whenever a dove appears, I think of you. I am in a different state now and I don't think I have seen a dove here. I will take any bird that is you. I just want you to visit me any way that is possible.
I love you so, so much.
Mom

10/9/2022
Today is one of those days that the hurt is with me. It's like it was yesterday that I held you for the last time. I miss you so much. I can't wait to see you and Charlie again. Please come visit me any way that you can. In my dreams, as a bird, or just sit with me. Your kind, loving presence warms everyone around.
I love you sweet girl.
Mom

12/3/2022
I have a day sometimes that is truly terrible. I yell a lot to no one at all, the dog hides. In those worst days, you come to me in my sleep. I am truly thankful for that.
I love you so much, come see me whenever you can.
Mom

12/28/2022
Last night was really tough for me, I didn't think I could sleep because I was really agitated. I held yours and Charlie's paw prints, like a security blanket. I asked God to let me see Charlie and Penny tonight. And it happened. You ran to me and Charlie trotted right along. I hugged you. It saved me. Thank you so much for coming to me in my dreams. I love you both so much. I can't wait to be with you again full time and forever.
Thank-you so much. Mom.

1/7/2023
Hi sweet girl, I was just thinking about you. It's a new year and I am back to going to AA meetings, although still drinking. I do AA work in the morning now, first thing. I hope it helps. Please come visit me whenever you can. I look for birds. I look for you in my dreams. I love you and I miss you so much.
Mom

2/19/2023
Hello my beautiful girl,
How are you doing? My hope is that you are running and playing and have lots of happy people and puppies around, squeaky toys and yummy treats. When I lived in Arizona, I would often see doves. They felt like you coming to visit me. Where I live now, I don't see any doves. Could you come visit me?
I miss you and Charlie so much. I have hope that I will be with both of you when I cross the bridge.
I love you.
Mom

5/15/2023
Hello my perfect girl, I just wanted to say hello. I miss you and I love you and I hope you are happy now. I hope that are you with dogs and people that are kind to you. I hope the dogs you're with are playful and loving. I love the picture that I have with you and Charlie when you were at the pet-sitter's. You had one leg/arm over Charlie and you were licking his ear. You treated him with such loving kindness.
I love you so much.
Mom

7/15/2023
Hi sweet girl. I am breathing a sigh of relief that I got in. I have had a lot of issues with my laptop, or actually all things that have to do with internet and my dependance on it.
I had Windows 11 forced on me in February, 2022 and it's been hell ever since.
I miss the days when that dependance didn't exist.
30 days until I release balloons for you and your brother Charlie.
Please come visit me in my dreams.
I love you.
Mom

8/1/2023
Hello my perfect little girl. In less than 2 weeks I will be releasing balloons for you and Charlie.
My hope is that you and Charlie are playing together and are getting lots of attention from kind people. And getting yummy treats. And belly rubs. And squeaky toys. And a lot, lot, lot of play time. You deserve all of these things. You were 100% kind and loving. I have never come across another creature like you - that was loving 100% of the time. A gift from God. And I wish and wait for us to be together again. I love you so, so, so much. I can't wait to see you and Charlie.
Love, Mom

8/14/2023
Hello my sweet perfect girl,
5 years ago today was the worst day of my life. I knew that you were suffering and that I had no choice. I simply begged God for a few more hours with you. I am so sorry that I let you hurt instead of being selfish and wanting more time with you. I just wanted more minutes with you. I am so sorry. I pray that God erased the hurt from you. Today is 5 years since saying goodbye but I would more like to celebrate the day I met you. I wanted a pal for Charlie. I called a breeder - probably not the same one that gave me Charlie - and asked if he had a female dachshund. I was ok with a spayed dachshund (because these people are concerned with competition). He said he had a young couple that had a dachshund they took home and didn't want to keep because they had a Great Dane and were afraid he would hurt her. The difference in size between you, my tiny one, and him was truly astounding. I balked because of how small you were. They wanted $500 and I reluctantly offered $350. I was scared because of how small you were. But they were ok with $350 and I was too embarrassed to back out. So, I very nervously took you home with me. When at home, Charlie wanted to play. I was so afraid he would hurt you because you were so, so, so tiny. The young couple gave me this tube of jelly of some sort that would be nutritious for you. I fed you that. I treated Charlie like a king and you as a newcomer. I didn't want Charlie to feel threatened. This was at first - Charlie was number one. It didn't take long for me to fall completely head-over-heels in love with you. I can't tell you how much I loved you.

10/17/2023
I had to take my posts from 2019 and save to a file on my laptop. Apparently there is a limit to how much I can post here.
I love you more than anything in the world and my hope is that I get to be with you again. Thank you for coming into my life and showing me what pure love is. I am so sorry for the last few days you were with me and you were so sick. I would have done anything to take away your pain. I love you more than there are words. I just want to hold you in my arms again some day. I pray that you are happy now and playing with Charlie and getting treats and held by nice people. I love you I love you I love you.
Mom

11/21/2023
I am having a difficult time right now. The last week or two, I have kept your paw prints next to me when I go to sleep. I miss that you and Charlie loved people coming to do the door. The only thing you wanted was for the new people to tell you hi. Please be there when I cross.
I love you so much, Mom

1/1/2024
I'm sorry that I haven't written in so long, Recently I have gone to bed with yours and Charlie's paw prints. I think back to your last days. I am so sorry you had to wait so long. I feel like it is my fault - so what if I missed the deadbeat's funeral. I will always be conflicted. At this moment, I would have chose your well-being, and not his.
I love you and I can't wait to see you and Charlie.
Mon

2/8/2024
I have been thinking for the last few days about the snake bite back in the day. What year was it? I can't remember anymore, but it was around 2008. Thank God I checked on you in the middle of the night. But dreadful that I didn't keep you in my arms after having suspected the snake bite. How thankful I was that you hung on because it gave me more precious time with you.
Thank you for hanging on. I miss you so much. I can't wait to see you again and pray that I can see you again. I love you so much.
Mom

3/19/2024
I had a dream last night about many things. One of those things was Charlie. He was so frail and laying on a blanket. I picked him up and held him in my arms, because he is my baby. The dream stayed with me all day - it was so comforting. Please come see me in my dreams - you and Charlie.
I love you both so much.
Mom

4/14/2024
I would do anything for you. Anything.
I love you. I hope I get to see you and Charlie again.
Love, Mom.