Welcome to Bean's Rainbow Residency

Memories of Bean

Does true unconditional love really exist? Do animals have souls or at least a living spirit within? Is it possible to truly love - to meld your own spirit with that of another, to form a bond so strong, that it permeates the very fabric of time and space? And when that bond is broken, by death, can cause such loss, such utter gut wrenching despair - reaching inward through your heart, to the very depths of your soul? Perhaps I am strange ... but I believe I would have to answer each of the above in the affirmative. For I have been so blessed, although at times has seemed a curse, to have been given the gift of unconditional love. And this love came to me in the form of a little abandoned ginger kitten who would later come to be known as "The Bean" and would fill my days with life and love - and somehow become the son that I always wanted but never had. *************** *************** Beany was one of three kittens, discovered near a dry creek bed in a discarded rubbish bag, by an ex-brother-in-law. One had died, the second very sick, the third - crying to draw attention. A veterinarian suggested feeding with an eye dropper - and if they made it through the first night, there was a strong chance. In the morning, there was one. A tiny ball of ginger fluff, infested with flees - dehydrated and malnourished. Shane asked us if we could take him. My immediate reaction was no because I had wanted to replace one of our German Sheppard's and my wife refused. I decided to think on it but finally agreed, albeit reluctantly, with the proviso that it was her cat and .... whatever! Little did I know just how much my life was about to change. In fact, "Twinkles" - soon to be modified to "Twinkle-Bean", would not only change my life but he would all but - become my life! :-) I would never be the same man again. A remarkable journey had begun! *************** *************** In those days, I had taken an interest in gardening, planting trees, vegetables & herbs - and had been given an old garden plaque which read "When all else fails, there is always garden". On a particularly trying (post divorce) day, I re-wrote those words as, "When all else fails, there is always The Bean". By some strange miracle, Bean and I had formed an immensely powerful bond right from the beginning. We would eventually become inseparable. Our motto became - "You and me against the world, my Beanybean!" I will write the rest of Beany's story as time goes on. I have kept a journal since the day he left me. Life seems somehow different now. Places, faces - even familiar haunts - all seem somehow changed by his leaving. There are a lot of "firsts" - like tomorrow ... my first birthday without him ... and what would have been his 18th, (two days ago)- his first birthday without me. This is his present ... from me. But this is not about me. It is about him or should I say ... for him. For Beany, because his gift to me was priceless! Thank you my bestest boy, my son ... for giving me the love that I needed and allowing me to share the limitless love that I had to give. I will love you forever, Daddy's bestest boy. See you in there my baby xoxoxoxoxoxoxox ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Monday, 22 November 2010 23:41 Hello my bestest boy. Well, it was fifty weeks at six this evening, that you were picked up for the pet crematorium. You'd been lifeless for just over twenty-four hours but I didn't want to give you up. I know I did the right thing but when you died, a part of me went with you. Perhaps the best part. I've loved many pets and grieved for them ... but never lost a child. I picked a star for you that night. I could barely see the twinkling through the moisture in my eyes. I named it my "Beanstar". It's rising as I write this -- the golden orb that is Betelgeuse, below our saucepan in our upside down Orion constellation. You came into my life when I was desperate for a son and filled a void in my life. We've been through thick and thin -- sometimes to hell and back, together. Good days, bad days! But at the end, were you. Some days all we had was each other. How wealthy was I and didn't even know it? I've carried a lot of secrets in my time. Some, my own -- some, for others. I've had successes and failures. You knew and saw them all. You taught me unconditional love and made me a better person. Every morning, but only the days you were sick, that song would loop in my mind. I didn't even know the words. I just knew instinctively ... it was a sign! Well ... I kept my part of the bargain -- I did go on, even though I didn't want to. I've cried enough in my life for five lifetimes, my son, and endured tortures I'd never share with a living soul, but you ... a little ginger cat ... would look up at his daddy with adoration (someone else's' description) in your eyes and make it all worthwhile. I should be grateful and I am. What a gift. Seventeen years can go so fast when you're having fun. Life is different now ... an empty imitation, a time filler. I still make other people laugh and I still strive to be better. I still dream of owning an Aston and to finish writing my novel ... which I will dedicate to you, Mum and my Nan and grandpa. Oh my Beany, your daddy stills loves and misses you so much. I don't think the pain will ever leave. I'm so lost most of the time but I shouldn't complain. Many people are far worse off than me. I still blow you a kiss each night. Your picture box with your ashes is next to my bed with some of your fur, your collar and your Bedtime Bear -- and one of your carnations. I don't sleep in our bed anymore. My life is not where I'd like it to be at the moment but I struggle each day to make it better. At times, my heart is in it, some days not but I work at it nevertheless. I have kept a journal for you all this time but have kept you safe in my heart. No wonder I kept hearing that song. It was trying to tell me you were leaving. I wish I'd gone with you. I thought I'd be over it now but it was my life, as I knew it, which was over. Tomorrow is another day my baby. Another chance to strive, another day I'll carry you in my heart, another day to reach for a star. I'd reach for yours! Mynight Beany, see you in there. Sleep tight. You and me against the world, my Beanybean xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox Forever!!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tuesday, 7 December 2010 12:31 AM Marrow Daddy's bestest boy! One whole year my baby - twelve months since you left me ... forever. I kept myself busy on Sunday (the anniversary of the day you went to sleep in my arms forever) but meant to write Sunday night. I kept myself busy today also, Monday, (the anniversary of the day you were collected) but had planned to work in your garden. It was so very hot and much to do ... but I will get in there. I've been trying not to break down. For two days, the Kookaburras have been back -- I've heard their squawking a few times. Last Friday we went to the funeral of Chaz's ex-mother --in-law and they played your song. As soon as I heard the pipes and Celine Dion sing "Every night ..." things began to fall apart. I thought my cheeks would burst and it felt as though my veins were bulging as I held my breath and held in what I longed to escape. I miss you so much! My life changed when you left me and as yet I haven't formed a new one ... though I've tried. God in heaven, I've tried! In the time since you left: I have kept a journal, almost every week. I leave a reminder message on my phone for every Sunday afternoon. I look for your stars each night, whether they are visible or not. (I say good night to the luminous "Bean stars" in my room, also.) I kiss your box good morning and blow you a kiss each night. I wear your spare tag on my gold chain each day. I drink coffee from my "Beany Cup" (That's what I nicknamed my little cat cup.) I think of you each day ... many times and think of our life and the completeness I felt. I think of the times you didn't come home or went missing and how I felt so wretched in the pit of my stomach. I remember all too well, not being able to eat or concentrate on anything until you returned safely or I had found you. And I remember well, that feeling ... oh that glorious, almost Christmas'y feeling that we were together safe and sound. But now sometimes, it almost seems like a dream. Our special language, our routines and how I always said that you'd do something new each day that would amaze me. Do you hear me when I speak to you in my mind? Can you see the words I write to you? Do you feel the tortured loss in my heart? Do you know my Beanybean -- that I still love you as much as life and if I could have any gift, any one wish ... it would be to go back in time and re-live our life together, even with all the bad bits we endured. I can't put into words, the loss that I feel. Perhaps I should just be grateful for what we had. After all, everything must come to an end, sometime. Change is a universal constant. It's a funny thing Beany. All year I imagined the Earth travelling round the solar system, finally to return to the same spot last year. But you were not here waiting for me. And then I realised that while the Earth circles the Sun, our entire solar system moves through space ... so the time and place I left you -- is far behind us now. There is no going back! Then it dawned on me -- you were not there because you were travelling with me all the time. I carried you in my heart. And that's where you will stay forever ... safe in my heart. But I can't hold you or snuggle you or talk with you as we did. I just carry this love and the pain with me wherever I go, whatever I am doing. What shall I do with your Christmas stocking this year? How did I end up having such feelings for a cat? Is it as others have said, that you became a substitute or symbol for the son I never had? I cry alone my boy ... people would think I'm crazy if they knew I was still so utterly devastated ... living without you. Well my son, I made it through the first year but the pain at times was almost unbearable and life in general just doesn't seem the same anymore. Sleep tight my bestest boy and know how much I love and miss you ... and know also that it will always be -- You and me against the world, my Beanybean xoxoxoxox ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Saturday, 1 January 2011 2:03 AM Happy New Year my Beanybean xoxoxoxoxox Time to start 2011 now. You seem further away from me now ... perhaps thats why it hurts so much when I think of you. The silver chord to eternity is being pulled ever tighter ... but I promise, it will never snap. I had an amazing surprise phone call from Jack, (Littleman's dad). It made my evening, in fact it probably put a positive closing cap on 2010 for me. I then got a big snog on the face from a random girl at the beach whilst watching fireworks. What more can a man ask for? Well I do know one thing but I guess that has to remain in my heart ... forever. The tears are now rolling down my face. My son, as I face a brand new year complete with all its joys and challenges, know this ... I have been incomplete, searching since you left but I will carry you with me on the journey. In perhaps a different way than when you were here, you will still share my triumphs, my stumbles, my hopes and aspirations. For you showed me a new world, one of unconditional love ... and having grown -- can never return to my former self. Thank you. I speak to you my bestest boy, across time and space and tell you I love you more than anything in the Universe. Our Motto remains: "You and me against the world, my Beanybean". xoxoxoxoxoxox ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sunday, 3 April 2011 22:56 So it's been 69 weeks, if I'm not mistaken ... and still I feel empty without you. I never quite felt alone when you were here ... and I always felt loved and could let my heart give out so much of what was inside. Now, even after all this time life is still incomplete somehow ... like lemon blossom with no scent - like lemonade without sugar ... life continues on but has lost its sweetness. I've met some beautiful people at Rainbow Bridge and made a couple of good friends. Some of them are in so much pain. They lost their babies too. I wish I could take away their pain but I'd have to take away their love also. I could never do that. As I've always said -- The intensity of your suffering is an indication of the capacity of your love. They go hand in hand. I keep our journal, almost every week - sometimes more... and still blow you kisses each night. I don't have the power to let it go, nor do I want to. I miss you so much my Beanybean. I used to think that if God gave you to me for a reason, it must have been to see how much pain I could bear when he took you away ... but I now know it was to see how much love was in me. You left too soon my son -- your Daddy still has so much love to give and there's no one left to accept it. I will love you forever my bestest boy xoxoxoxoxoxoxox Sleep tight Daddy's boy. See you in there xoxoxox *************** *************** Friday, 22 April 2011 13:04 Happy Easter my baby - my second one without you. Next Sunday will be seventy-two weeks since you went bye-byes. I still love and miss you so very much. Will you ever know just how much you meant to me? I hope that wherever you are and in whatever form you now take ... you can feel the true essence of my heart and soul. It's a beautiful day here in mount Compass. Everything seems so green and fresh after an overnight shower ... and now all is glistening in the warm sun. Have fun frolicking with your friends as you hunt for Easter eggs. I will love you for all eternity my bestest boy. Happy Easter my Beanybean xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox P.S Your Daddy will help you eat the chocolate bunny :-) *************** *************** Sunday, 29 May 2011 11:29 PM Hey my beautiful Beany. It's been 77 weeks ... but who's counting? I never thought I'd make it through the first day. I am still amazed that I did. I remember wanting to die. Part of me did. If someone had told me I could have loved an animal so much, I would have scoffed at the suggestion. But there you were ... and so was I. How fortunate could a man have been to have known such a love as this. Like the bond of a father and son. I will carry you always in my heart, mind and soul. I thought I'd come to grips with things but tonight I feel so lonely. No matter what life brings, it will always remain -- "You and me against the world, my Beanybean" xoxoxoxoxox *************** *************** Monday, 3 October 2011 12:09 AM Good Morning my baby. Mappy Birchday my Beanybean!!!!! (I know ... your Daddy still does that baby talk like we used to ... I know I'm a silly old fart, hey?) I wanted to get this in before midnight Sunday night but forgot that daylight saving has started and my video clock hasn't been changed yet. You would have been nineteen today. I miss you so much my boy. I can feel the tears welling up and my eyes are burning. My life hasn't been the same without you. No matter what I do or try, there's always something missing. I wish I could put my finger on it. I always said a bit of me died with my Nan, then more with my Mum ... but you took the better part of me with you. It was you, my son who brought out the best in me ... that gave me hope and comfort. I was so grateful to have you and yet the seventeen years flew by so fast. I often wish we'd gone together. Some days I think my life is great, I'm focussed on my goals and making my fortune. You know your Daddy's greatest fear is dying with his music still in him. But I'd give up all my dreams of fame and fortune just to have you back! Perhaps if I could find the love that I felt with you, I could move on (with you in my heart) and carve a brave new future. I can't believe it's been 95 weeks now. Happy 19th my bestest boy. You and me against the world, my Beanybean xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox P.S I wrote you a card. I will place it next to your box in the morning, quietly, so everyone doesn't think I'm a nut case. Sweet dreams my baby xoxox *************** *************** Monday, 7 November 2011 Well, my Beanybean ... yesterday we hit the hundred week mark. I knew as soon as I wrote, I would feel teary -- and I am. It just goes to show, no matter how busy you are; the things that matter on a deeper level still lie dormant, awaiting your return. Having Optimus living with us is a comfort to me but every day my heart still searches for ease from the aching spot that only you can fill. I spoke to Tori's mommy, Roberta, today. What a cool chick. I bet you probably think Tori's really cool too. I miss you my bestest boy. I think I could have gone on forever with you -- now, I feel as though I'm going on forever without you. Every single day I still say good morning and goodnight to you (and blow you a kiss) and every day my thoughts are with you and about you. I don't know what you did to me, my baby, but you changed me forever. I love you my Beanybean. Sweet dreams. Daddy will see you in there xoxoxox *************** *************** Tuesday, 6 December 2011 10:58 PM Hello my bestest boy. I can hardly believe we've reached the two year mark when I didn't even think I'd find the strength to make it through the first day. I've seen the photographs taken that day. I've never looked so bad in all my life. My world had been taken from underneath me and there was nothing I could do. I hardly slept a wink that Saturday night and I knew by 3AM it was the last night we'd spend together. I couldn't bear to lose you... 'my little rock' but I couldn't stand to watch you suffer. You were straining to breathe and by morning, I began arrangements. I got three wishes that day, though. One was that you would never die alone. Two: That you would go to sleep in my arms -- in our special snuggle position. And three: That you would suffer no more and end your life with dignity. I fulfilled every one of them, and the tears streaming down my face, testify to the fact that it nearly killed me. I lost my will to live and ate only for sustenance at the bequest of others. As Einstein said, time is relative - Two days can seem like a lifetime; two years can pass so fast. One thing is for certain Bean ... you will always remain Daddy's bestest boy. I have never stopped grieving for you and secretly hoped you'd somehow find a way to return to me. Wherever you are my boy, play and have fun. Always know that your Daddy is never far away and that he is always thinking of you. Each and every day, I kiss you goodnight and good morning. My heart is still full of you and I will love you forever. "You and me against the world, my Beanybean" xoxoxox *************** *************** Sunday, 25 December 2011 2:55 AM Good morning my Beanybean ... Merry Christmas!!!! This is my third Christmas without you by my side and my love for you has not diminished in any way. I have not had a chance to find something suitable to buy as a present, as yet, so for the moment ... I will give you my heart. It was always yours anyway. Last year I bought you a Mr. Bean DVD set which hardly seems fitting but I could hardly buy you your favourite treats or the toys I would usually buy - some addressed from me, others in your stocking from "Santa Paws" or "Father Catmas". Did I buy it because of your name? No, the DVD's were symbolic of our times together watching shows and our Christmas ritual of watching Mr. Bean's Christmas each year. And as a sort of light hearted joke I would say goodnight to you by using the line, "Merry Christmas, Mr. Bean". You know, I always wished for a biological child of my own but it was never to be. You used to greet me in the morning, snuggle with me at night. You would always be excited when I arrived home. I could tell you loved me and the feeling was mutual. You would keep me company when I was lonely. You would do one funny or new thing each day and were always full of surprises. I still have videos of you doing tricks that no one has seen. I also taught you many things and you taught me how to love unconditionally. I think you were meant to be my son all along ... to give me the love that was missing in my life and to teach me to love something -- someone as much as I loved myself. You gave me more than I can ever give back. I could not sleep when you were sick, could not eat those times you went missing ... I even cancelled one of my birthdays until your safe return. And when you did ... I used to say, "It felt like Christmas!" It's Christmas Day today, my bestest boy but it doesn't feel like Christmas anymore. The first Christmas after you left, I left a note in our Christmas Wish ball ball on the tree. I just opened it but I cannot read it all. What I wrote is just too painful to include here, just yet. I hope Father Catmas still comes to you at Rainbow Bridge. I know you have always been a good boy -- Daddy's bestest boy. Thank you for the wallet you got me, yes I still buy me a present from you -- it always was our thing between us. It's getting harder to write now and see my screen so I will finish off for now. The rest I am sure you can feel from the heaving in my chest and heart. You changed my world when you came into it Bean and I was never the same after. I will watch our traditional episode tonight but until then, know always that I've never once stopped loving or missing you. Thank you my baby for everything. "Merry Christmas, Mr. Bean" xoxoxoxoxoxox *************** *************** Sunday, 1 January 2012 1.10 PM Happy New Year Daddy's bestest boy!!! Hey my Beanybean, my worst New Year's Eve was my first after you left me but last night came close. I felt almost dead inside, full of unresolved issues and resentments. I wanted to be someplace else ... a place where I could be me. But that's my own fault. It's so hot here today my boy - Too hot for you to be running about outside. You could easily fry an egg on the bonnet of the car and the wind makes it feel like a fan forced oven. I miss you so much, saying Happy New Year to your picture box is just not the same. Big changes are coming for me this year but you will always be with me and in my heart, wherever I go or whatever I do. It's always hard today ... (sorry) starting another bold new year when I feel as though I'm leaving you further behind. I love you so much, my son, and guess I always will. I won't listen to your "theme" music today ... I have something I need to do in a couple of hours and I need to focus. Have the bestest year ever my boy, play and have fun - nothing can hurt you anymore. Say hi to your best mate Littleman and all your other friends and to that cute little Tori I know you've been hanging about with! "Happy New Year, my Beanybean!!" Love always and forever, your Daddy xoxoxoxoxoxoxox *************** *************** Saturday, 17 March 2012 11:42 PM Hey Daddy's Bestest Boy, Happy St. Patrick's Day my baby. I'm sorry I haven't written for a while. There has been so much going on, stresses and issues and every time I think of you, I feel so sad and lonely and try to avoid the pain. That was wrong of me ... I never meant to shut you out - never ever ever. You were and are ... the son I never had. My world changed forever when you left and I thought I'd died with you. Know that you are always in my heart and soul, no matter what - you are a part of me! I will love you forever. You and me against the world, my Beanybean xoxoxoxoxox *************** *************** Marrow Daddy's bestest boy. It's nearly Easter time again ... my third without you. I can't believe it. I didn't know how I'd make it through the first day, yet here we are! But as I sit here typing, I realise that my love for you stayed on, that unused love for you is dormant, deep within me, welling into tears for you. I miss you my son. You gave me a priceless gift that I will never surrender. You gave me you! Every night I see you ... that is how I know you go on! I love you, my Beanybean xoxoxoxoxoxox *************** *************** Sunday, 8 April 2012 Happy Easter daddy's bestest boy. I miss you so much. Enjoy frolicking in the warm autumn sun and snuggling with your girlfriend, Tori, through the cold crisp nights. You are still a part of me and always will be. I love you my special boy xoxox *************** *************** Wednesday 25th April 2012 Hi my bestest boy, It's ANZAC Day again. Your Daddy went to the dawn service at Port Noarlunga. It was nice, perhaps a little chilly but the least I could do. I've missed you so much over the last few days even though I've had you with me whilst staying at Grandpa's house. I guess it brought back unexpected memories ... good times for "us". We fly our "Aussie" flag today, my little mate. I love you my Beanybean xoxoxox

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